Archive for the ‘Blog’ Category
You may remember a very popular series of books and programs by the late Dr Richard Carlson called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. While well intended, it is an approach to life I don’t necessarily agree with. Let me tell you why.
As a species, human beings have proven to be extraordinarily well equipped to handle catastrophe. We somehow survive life-challenging illness, war, financial ruin, the deaths of loved ones…the list is endless. BUT get a flat tire on the freeway and we fall apart.
One time I was sitting in a 12-step meeting and a woman was sharing about her financial troubles. She said, “It got so bad I almost had to cancel my cable TV!” She seemed perplexed when the rest of us laughed. To her, that would indeed have been a catastrophe.
One of the ways I am supporting my life partner through his cancer journey is to prepare nutritious meals. For some of you, that would be no big deal. That’s because you are cooks, something I am decidedly not.
So I was turning this relatively minor logistic into a big deal and it was causing me a lot of stress. What I finally did was sit down and figure out how to do it more easily. I now keep a list of things I need so that when I go grocery shopping, I don’t forget anything (thus avoiding exasperation and extra trips). I plan our meals for the week. When I get onions and garlic, I chop them all at once and keep the ingredients in the fridge to use when I need them again. Simple things but I am here to tell you, when I start to prepare a meal and everything I need is ready to throw into the pan, I grin from ear to ear (and feel smug, let’s not forget that particular small joy).
Seemingly these examples support Dr. Carlson’s philosophy of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Shouldn’t my 12-step friend and I simply lighten up? Would that we could. I think our inability to not sweat these small things point to something very different. If we don’t practice Passionate Self-Care by making sure the smaller details of life are taken care of then we very quickly turn life into a catastrophe.
What I have come to understand is that when you have things in your life you have no control over (cancer, not having enough money, etc.) it is perfectly natural to let small things upset you. You can either learn to turn a blind eye or you can set things up so the small things are under control.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to make sure the logistics of your life run as smoothly as possible. Over the years, as I have gotten increasingly better at this, I’ve noticed that my emotional wellbeing has increased. Here are a few examples designed to get you thinking:
- At night, lay out your clothing for the next day. That way, if what you choose has a rip or needs to be ironed you discover it when you have time to do something about it instead of in the morning when it will only cause you stress.
- Organize everything you need to take with you when you leave and put it by the front door, especially your keys.
- Use electronic reminders to help you remember. My new iPhone has an incredible Reminder app that ensures that things don’t fall through the cracks. If you have a computer or a smart phone, you have access to similar technology.
Assignment: Look into your own life and figure out the things that are causing you the most stress. Use your creative mind to figure out how to head these stressors off at the pass. Write me and let me know some ways you have done this or will in the future.
In the long run, the most important word in the term Passionate Self-Care is self. Both the good news and the bad is that it’s all up to you.
Click here for PDF of this post.
Tags: care of self, life skills, stress, stress reduction
No Comments »
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am in recovery from 30 years of clinical depression. Much of what I learned about keeping depression at bay is what I bring to my teaching whether the topic is Passionate Self-Care or Dancing With Change.
A few years back I learned something new that has helped me immeasurably in my quest to stay balanced. It happened one day when I was in a foul mood. If you’ve ever been in this type of mood, you know it’s very different from a regular old bad mood—it’s like a bad mood on steroids—angry and ugly. I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. Nothing was going particularly wrong in my life. In fact, things were quite good. And then it dawned on me. For entertainment I had been listening to the latest James Patterson book on tape.
James Patterson is an incredible writer. He’s so good, in fact that all of the violent ugliness that took place in this book was all too real. It felt as if I were a part of it and my brain reacted by releasing all the appropriate stress hormones that hit your system when you’re involved in or witness to violence. I was in fight or flight mode and it was awful.
This was the day I realized that a good deal of my depression was self-inflicted. The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. Choosing where to place your focus in essential to Passionate Self-Care. We all know that, don’t we? And yet most of us don’t practice it. Take the news, for example. We think that following it keeps us well informed when in fact the news is simply someone else’s opinion about what happened. It’s not “the truth” and it’s designed to whip us into an emotional frenzy. In fact, most of the news is none of our business.
We think violent movies, TV shows or games don’t hurt us but they do. If they’re any good, they make you feel as if you are right there. That’s great if you’re part of the dance sequence in Footloose but if you’re watching a movie where someone is being subjected to a horrific act it affects you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. And once you get those images into your brain, they are there forever. Ask anyone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as I have and we will tell you—forever as in those images never go away. If that’s true, why not implant images that make you smile instead of grimace?
If you are truly serious about taking better care of yourself then being careful about what you feed your mind is a key component. Watch movies and read books with happy endings or ones that are at least neutral. Look for the good in others instead of the bad (including yourself). Listen to happy music. If the paper’s lying around, read the comics or the Opinion Page but throw the front page into the garbage where it belongs.
When we do this are we denying the reality of how the world really is? I say no. What we are rejecting is the idea that life is mostly awful. We are saying to those who present it as such, “I’m no longer willing to listen to you.” When I was in the midst of my worst depression my world was awful and most of it was self-created. I watched maudlin movies, I read horrific books, I engaged in constant complaints disguised as intellectual discussions. My focus was on the travails of life and that’s precisely what I attracted.
Life is no different today but I am. Do I still have challenges? You bet I do. My life partner Bill has pancreatic cancer and it is terrifying. What’s different is that I’m not making it worse by feeding my mind a load of self-pity or engaging in conversations about how unfair life is. Do I talk about my fears to Bill and to dear friends? Yes, I do. But mostly I choose to focus on the incredible love we share and the fact that he’s here with me now.
The only real control any of us have has to do with what we feed our minds. Use this gift wisely and watch how wonderful life can be.
Click here for PDF of this post.
Tags: Appreciative Inquiry, care for self, care of the self, depression, law of attraction, life skills, stress reduction, upset
No Comments »
I am with Bill on a business trip to Southern California, spending the day working in the hotel while he attends a Board meeting. I didn’t want to be in the room all day so I’m sitting in the coffee shop working away (bonus: tea on demand!)
Anyhow, I am in search of the ladies room when I encounter a small group of people standing at the hostess stand waiting to be seated. The hostess is nowhere in sight. I overhear one say, “We’ll just seat ourselves.” I hesitate for a second and very nearly turn around to go in search of the hostess. Then I have to stop myself from offering them my advice on what they should do.
What is that? Why do I think I have to fix any problem I encounter, even when it has nothing to do with me?
Do you suffer from this? Could it be one of the reasons we are desperate to find ways to take better care of ourselves? It’s one thing to give of yourself to people you love or you’re paid to care for but if you think the whole world is your responsibility, life becomes exhausting.
A key to Passionate Self Care is (said gently) mind your own business. I want this to be a gentle admonition because I KNOW that you don’t do it to be a busy body or what we used to, as kids, call a “buttinski.” You likely do it because you are so service-oriented that you want to serve the world. But, when I examine my own motives, I notice that there’s a good deal of ego in there. I have to admit that there’s a part of me that secretly believes I know best and that, if everyone just followed my good advice their lives would work much better.
Sometimes, when I indulge my buttinski people seem stunned, as well they should.
This happens when they don’t even know me and I suddenly insert myself into their lives by offering some unsolicited solution. The most useful pearl of wisdom I ever heard about this came from my friend Esther Hicks who says, “An answer to a question no one asked is a wasted answer.” It’s wasted because whomever you’re advising is not listening. Mostly they wish you’d just stop talking and let them get back to solving their own problem.
Imagine; just imagine how much extra time you’d have to take care of yourself if you simply minded your own business. And I don’t mean only with strangers. If you’re like me, you’re spending way too much time solving the problems of your mate, your children, and your second cousin’s stepson’s daughter. We have a tendency to think we should insert ourselves into our family’s problems but take it from me they don’t like it any more than strangers do. They only put up with it because it’s easier than fighting. They say, “OK,” or “Yes, dear,” hoping you’ll just stop.
You might protest, “But what if they do it wrong?” They will! So what? I’m guessing that the most powerful lessons you’ve ever learned came from painful mistakes. Why deprive them of this same learning?
If that’s not enough to inspire you to MYOB let me add one last insight. I try REALLY hard not to answer the question when my kids ask, “What should I do?” Because if they follow my advice and it doesn’t work, who do you think they’ll blame? Instead I try to remember to say, “You’ll figure it out, honey.” I’m there to help if they fall but preventing the fall? Once they’re past childhood, that’s not my job.
MYOB—try it. Your friends and family will send prayers of thanks to the heavens and you’ll have more time for you.
Click here for a PDF of this posting.
Tags: care for self, care of the self, friendship, indulgences, parenting, passionate self-care, stress reduction
No Comments »
In my last posting I talked about rituals as keys to Passionate Self Care. I mostly focused on big rituals like developing your action plan for the day or week. I made the observation that in a world where change is constant, rituals are a way for us to feel as if we are in control.
Since then, I’ve been thinking about how incredibly busy we are. Some of these big rituals are wonderful in theory but daunting in terms of fitting them into an already jam-packed life. So how can we enjoy the benefits of rituals without feeling as if each is just one more thing to do?
Let’s talk about small rituals. These are the ones we can incorporate into what we already do, turning ordinary events into moments of pure bliss. Here are a few examples:
Your morning beverage. 
Ever since age nine when my British Aunt Jeanne taught me how to brew and pour tea, I have loved my first cup each morning. She served me a very watered-down version of what she herself was drinking but today I brew for the maximum impact. This morning it occurred to me that I’m not taking full advantage of this wonderful daily occurrence. Instead of the usual—taking a slug of tea while hurriedly preparing my breakfast, I stopped, stood still, closed my eyes and fully savored that first sip of tea. It was so heavenly I did the same for sips two and three. What an easy way to practice passionate self-care.
Showers or baths. I have no idea who invented these two marvels but, in my opinion, there should be a statue erected in his/her honor in every town square in the world. Who doesn’t love this indulgence? You spend the same amount of time whether you unconsciously bathe or consciously enjoy every second. Think about the temperature of the water on your skin, the way the soap feels and smells, and the pure luxury. Another simple way to practice passionate self-care.
Getting into bed. When we were children, it seemed like a punishment. Have you noticed how much you look forward to it now that you’re an adult? And yet, do we truly bask in the feeling of getting into bed? Another everyday occurrence that, when practiced consciously can bring great pleasure and a feeling of being very well taken care of. How about stretching when you get under the covers? Heave a great big sigh of pleasure. Moan if that feels good but however you do it, take the time to bask in the sweet feeling of laying your head on your pillow and drifting off to sleep.
What do these things have in common? Being awake to each gift that comes your way. There are so many lovely things in our lives and yet we become pretty blasé’ about most of them. What if passionate self-care were as simple as noticing each simple pleasure?
Maybe it is.
Write and let me know what your simple pleasures are. I’d love to read about them!
Download a PDF of this article.
Tags: indulgences, life skills, passionate self-care, rituals, stress reduction
No Comments »
Rituals are keys to Passionate Self Care. Let me give you an example, I feel wonderful when I take the time to perform the ritual of developing my action plan. I call it a ritual because it has a set pattern of components: (1) reviewing my in box, my list of action items and my emails; (2) deciding which I need or want to tackle today; (3) writing my plan; and (4) deciding which to do first.
After years of trying to find the right “formula” for this ritual, I stumbled on a relatively inexpensive online test for the Kolbe “A” Index (www.Kolbe.com). The Kolbe analyzes your natural work style. After reviewing my results, I came to understand that if I develop my plan at the beginning of the work day, I get bogged down in details and it kills my enthusiasm. Instead, I develop my plan the night before so I can dive into action the moment I start work. It’s amazing what a difference one adjustment to a ritual can make.
How many grouchy or distracted people have you heard say, “I’ll be okay after my first cup of coffee”? Admittedly, the caffeine helps but the ritual of coffee is every bit as much of an energy boost. It’s usually the skipping of the ritual that has thrown them off, not the lack of caffeine.
 There are rituals we depend on and rituals we’d like to develop. To exercise Passionate Self Care in your life look for rituals you want to start incorporating until they become routine. Some of the best places to look for opportunities for ritual development are in the areas around which you feel guilty. A few of mine are:
- Exercise
- Dental Care
- Keeping up with finances (bill paying, etc.)
- Car Care
- Filing
Can you see the opportunities for rituals?
There are also rituals we love. We don’t feel guilty if we don’t do them but we feel SO MUCH BETTER when we do:
- Planning ahead for the weekend
- Meditating
- Weekly manicures (one of my favorites)
- Leaving work at quitting time
- Taking time for a hobby we love
Rituals give life a certain continuity, which most of us crave. They make us feel more grounded. That’s why you see professional athletes who perform the same ritual every time they begin the game. Maybe it’s superstition, or maybe they know it works.
In a world where change is constant, rituals are a way for us to feel as if we are in control.
 Rituals are very comforting and the more comfortable we are, the more we attract things that are a match to that feeling. I’ve noticed, for example, that when I take the time to perform the ritual of putting together my action plan, my work goes very smoothly. It can be no other way because I’m feeling good and in control. Events and circumstances that match those feelings are the only ones I will attract. That is how the Law of Attraction works: you get more of what you focus on.
So what rituals would you like to put into place in your life? What will make you more comfortable each day and give you more of a feeling of being in control? Start today, as soon as you finish reading this.
One of the biggest steps toward Passionate Self Care: Develop rituals that make you feel good, and practice them every day.
Download a PDF
Tags: care for self, care of the self, change, holiday stress, self care management, self-care, stress, stress reduction, time management
No Comments »
Because the Law of Attraction says, “You get more of what you focus on,” a critically important component of Passionate Self Care is focus. If you want to train yourself to recognize where your focus is, start by listening to conversations around you. What is the focus of each? Now look at the people holding those conversations. Are they a match to what they’re focused on?
Never is this so clear as when you listen to the elderly. Those who are having lengthy conversations about their aches and pains and pills and surgeries are the ones who are in the worst shape.
The ones who are talking about their gardens, pets, hobbies or grandchildren are vibrant and healthy. They may have aches and pains but they don’t dwell on them. Because of that, their aches and pains are manageable.
Sullen teens are obsessed with how unfair life is and how ridiculous adults and their rules are. Well-adjusted teens are focused on sports, music, school, or sharing cool new trends with each other.
What are you and your friends focused on? Start listening to your words – those that come out of your mouth or those you type into email messages and texts. Will the recipient of your words be happy to hear from you or inwardly groan?
We all agree that we don’t like to be around negative people but many of us who express that sentiment ARE the negative ones people don’t like to be around. And we don’t even know it. How can that be? How is it that we can be primarily focused on the negative and unaware of it? It’s because it’s become a socially accepted habit.
The news media consistently focuses on the worst events. When we broadcast our own personal news, we seem somehow embarrassed to share what’s going well in our lives. Doctors are trained to look for what’s wrong versus ways for us to stay healthy. Managers, until recently, have been trained to focus on employees’ weaknesses instead of their strengths.
There’s a new trend in management I would like you to steal for your Passionate Self Care. It’s called Appreciative Inquiry. An example of how it’s being applied will help clarify what it is:
The traditional style of conducting an employee’s performance review consists of 10-15 minutes focus on what an employee does well (employees refer to this as “buttering us up for the kill”), with the balance of the meeting focused on everything the employee needs to improve. In other words, the manager mainly focuses on what’s NOT working versus what IS.
A manager who practices Appreciative Inquiry would flip the time. She would spend 10-15 minutes focused on what an employee needs to improve and the rest of the meeting on everything the employee does well and how to leverage those skills. This manager focuses on what IS working instead of what’s NOT.
When I talk about this in my workshops, people get very excited, “Yes, that’s what my supervisor needs to do.” They stop in their tracks when I tell them it works both ways. “What do you mean?” they ask.
If you want your supervisor to focus on what you’re doing well, you must also focus on what you are doing well. You can’t expect to attract a supervisor (or a mate, friend, or child for that matter) who focuses on your good qualities if you are continually focused on your failings. Remember, you get what you focus on. That includes getting people in your life who agree with your self-assessment.
Appreciative Inquiry is the daily practice of looking for what you like about a person, place or thing (and that includes you). As you begin to focus on what you appreciate, you’ll begin to attract more of that into your life.
 Appreciation is a feeling that can only attract good things to you. As you begin this practice of appreciating your friends, your community, your house, your children, your health, your family, and on and on and on, you will begin to feel more energetic and more vibrant. The Law of Attraction says it can be no other way.
I can’t think of anything more important to Passionate Self Care than using Appreciative Inquiry in all that you do. Try it. You’ll see.
Print a PDF
Tags: Appreciative Inquiry, care for self, care of the self, change, law of attraction, life skills, negative people, upset
No Comments »
This month begins a series of blogs focused on Passionate Self-Care. This phrase often brings a smile of embarrassment to faces because most of us consider ourselves failures in this arena.
Sure, we devote time to self-care but it is generally based on negative rewards instead of the positive actions that make up passionate self-care. In other words, instead of taking an exhilarating walk after dinner, we settle down to watch Wheel of Fortune, usually with some sort of high calorie drink or snack in hand.
What brings this to mind are the myriad news reports on the high cost of health care and the ensuing crisis for aging Baby Boomers. As I listen to this conversation with interest, I’ve realized that what I haven’t been hearing is much of anything about patient responsibility. Where does self-care fit into all this?
If you bought a house and did nothing to keep it up over a 5-year period, would you expect your insurance company to pay for repairs? They would deny such a claim saying it was neglect, not damage from an outside force such as fire or wind. Yet, we bring our sad, neglected bodies to our doctors or our sad, neglected psyches to psychologists and psychiatrists and expect them to give us a magic pill.
We want pills or surgery to fix what we systematically destroy through complacency.
Passionate self-care starts with the premise that you are at least as worthy of daily care as your house, your car, your children, your boss, or your clients.
Just as you would look at a messy house and say, “It’s time to clean this up,” it’s equally important to pay attention to an ache in your body and say, “It’s time to start taking care of this.” This requires a change in behavior and change requires conscious effort.
I’ve earned the right to talk about this because I spent the first part of my life going to doctors and therapists trying to get them to “fix” me. They helped, that is a fact, but I took no responsibility for having gotten that way in the first place. I sat in the dentist’s chair for example acting bewildered when told I had a cavity. The fact that I only brushed my teeth once a day and poorly at that seemed beside the point. Isn’t fluoride in the water supposed to prevent cavities? I chose to be a victim.
One of the more important things I’ve learned in my conscious effort to move from victim to victor is that, no matter what happens to me, I had a part in it and it’s important to take responsibility for whatever it was. Now, if I were in an earthquake, do I have a part in that? The surprising answer is “Yes” – I’m responsible for how I respond. I can be a victim or a victor and that’s the choice we each have in every situation.
Where are you currently behaving as a victim and how can you transform into a victor? Taking ownership for your life is very freeing and it’s an important component of self-care.
I don’t know about you but I’d really rather NOT be one of those old folks who goes to the doctor with muscles atrophied from lack of use saying, “I can’t understand why I’m so TIRED all the time. Can you give me something?”
 We all have a small, active child inside of us who JUST WANTS US TO MOVE!!!! As you get more physically active, you will almost hear the child inside of you yelling, “Whoopee! We’re finally moving!!!” I’ve come to realize that most of my aches and pains, physical and mental, were sent by that impatient child, trying to get my attention!
Take five minutes, right now, and make a list of all the “upkeep” sorts of things you’ve done over the past month for: your car, your home, your clothing, your pets, your children, or other people. Now think what life would be like if you put yourself at the top of the list.
“That’s so selfish!” you might cry. And I say, “Yes, it is, and that is a good thing.” I don’t know when the concept of putting ourselves first got to be so negative. I suspect it was from people who wanted us to put them first so they taught us that self-care is bad.
When we practice passionate self-care, we accomplish several things:
- We take back control of our own well-being
- We set an example for others
- We begin to enjoy our own lives instead of living vicariously through TV or other entertainment
The most important thing that happens when we practice passionate self-care is that we are happier and proud of ourselves. And the Law of Attraction says, “You attract what you are.” The happier you are and the more empowered you feel, the more situations that match those feelings come to you. And that is the ultimate in Passionate Self-Care.
Download a PDF of this Column
Tags: care for self, care of the self, change, change management, self care management, self-care, stress, stress reduction
No Comments »
On Thursday many of us will gather around a food-laden table with family and friends, presumably to celebrate those things in our life for which we are thankful.
If you are envisioning this with dread because one or more relatives or friends ruin it for you every year, then read on. There are some things you can do about it.
I am no stranger to annoying relatives. I have some and I have been one and probably still am. My siblings could regale you with tales of Thanksgivings past when I tried to control everything including seating arrangements lighting, timing and injecting a “no TV during dinner rule.” Can you say “controlling?” It wasn’t even my house!
 My family of origin-if this photo could talk! Of course the flip side of that was how annoying they were when they resisted my brilliant suggestions. Some of them teased, others got mean and the worst were those who merely dismissed me. They ruined the holiday for me!
Ah, excuse me. Who ruined it? Mirror, mirror on the wall…
What follows are a few things I’ve learned from both sides of this equation:
You get what you expect. If you are already anticipating the day with a sinking heart and an ache in the pit of your stomach, you’re in trouble. Sit down today and rewrite the script. I mean that literally. Sit down with pen and paper and write a story in third person with you as the hero/heroine. In your story everything turns out for the best. Example, “Even though she saw her brother roll his eyes when she asked if they could each say something they were thankful for, it didn’t bother her. She knew she couldn’t control what he thought.
Instead of anticipating problems, why not anticipate a day where the usual triggers don’t bother you at all? You’ll be amazed at how well this works.
Memorize the serenity prayer. Even if you’re not spiritual or religious, this works as an affirmation: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like people), the courage to change the things I can (like not letting others get to you), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Pick your battles. If Uncle Joe is drunk and he always gets insulting when he’s drunk, is that the time to give him a lesson in etiquette? Probably not. Instead of being hurt or angry, why not see him as someone who is (a) very troubled and (b) incapable of hurting you without your permission.
Don’t sucker punch. Families are often too blunt with each other. If you need to tell a family member something that might sting, use this method: “There’s something I need to say to you and it might upset you. That’s not my intention.” This method is so effective! Instead of hitting your sister with something she wasn’t expecting, you give her a warning. This allows her a bit of time to steel herself. I can promise you that whatever she conjures up in her head will be infinitely worse than what you finally say.
Cynical/negative people really care. My father was pretty grouchy. He didn’t think the glass was half full or half empty—he wanted to know what was in it and who put it there? (Did I mention he was also suspicious?) After decades of observation (mine—he wasn’t committed) I realized that Dad was passionately negative because he really cared about the issues he complained about. He also felt powerless. Roz and Ben Zander wrote about this in The Art of Possibility, “A cynic is a passionate person who does not want to be disappointed again.”
SO, if you have a relative that gets all worked up this year, instead of trying to calm him down or just ignoring him (which as you know will only inspire him to repeat his points only more loudly), try saying, “You really care about this issue, don’t you?” It may not stop him forever but he’ll be so shocked that you get it that it may stop him for a breath or two. If nothing else, you’ll score points.
Respond, versus react. What is ultimately true is that the only person you are able to control, Thanksgiving or not, is you. So you can choose to react (which puts the person who pushed your button in charge of your emotions) or you can respond (which puts you firmly in charge).
I once heard a psychologist explain it best. When you react, the small child inside you is controlling you. When you respond, your adult is at the helm. Even if you’re the only “adult” present on Thursday isn’t that preferable? Think how peacefully you’ll be able to sleep that night! (Added bonus: no apologies to make!)
 John McEnroe's Inner Child Reacting Please know that one of the things I am very grateful for this Thanksgiving is the privilege it is to be able to “talk” with you via this blog. I love it when you talk back so please feel free to write with kudos, criticisms or topic suggestions.
Have a happy!
Print a PDF of this blog.
Tags: difficult people, holiday stress, negative people, negativity, stress
No Comments »
Are you feeling like there is just too much to do?
Too much to learn?
Not enough time?
Join the club!
Lately, I have been keenly aware that the list of things that could, should or “it would be nice” to get done is expanding quicker than the blob grew in that horror movie of old. I realize that it’s time to get back to basics. It’s time to remember and then utilize what has worked in the past. And that always brings me back to the bottom-line principle called The Law of Attraction that tells us we get more of what we focus on.
Like many teachers, I’ve neglected to apply what I teach to my own life. How embarrassing.
So when you re-read the first two paragraphs, what does it tell you about where my focus has been? Exactly! I’ve focused on the problem and, here’s a shock, it’s getting worse! Where have you misused focus to add steroids to some of your own problems?
It’s such a habit this looking at the problem. And it is impossible to break a habit because, as you attempt to, where is your focus? What works well instead is to replace the habit that’s not serving you well with a new one that will.
So what is the fastest way out of overwhelm?
The answer is to develop the habit of celebrating what we’ve accomplished, even if we don’t think it’s nearly enough. As we celebrate the accomplishments of each day—even the seemingly trivial ones—the more accomplishments we attract. My negative focus threw me down the rabbit hole of “not enough.” As I begin to celebrate my accomplishments (and the first one is finishing and sending this blog), instead of spiraling downward, I begin to spiral upward and it’s a much more fun ride!
So I challenge you to take two minutes and write a list of everything you’ve accomplished today so far. Then stand up and do whatever your version is of “the touchdown dance.”
For the rest of the day, when you’ve accomplished something more, do something to celebrate even if it’s to say, “Yes!” and pump your arm for emphasis. Watch what a different day you’ll have.
Tell me how it goes. I’d love your feedback.
I’m off to do my touchdown dance!
Download a PDF of this column.
Tags: change, change managment, law of attraction, stress, stress reduction, time management
No Comments »
As one who teaches how to cope with our ever-changing world, it was with some fascination that I watched the brouhaha over the recent changes to FaceBook. For those of you who don’t use FaceBook, just know that they made changes and many people passionately protested, much of it not nice.
I’ve witnessed similar cries of protest from my partner Bill whenever Yahoo changes their email program. If I hear a holler of frustration coming out of the office, I know it has something to do with the computer and, more specifically, changes made without his being consulted.
To all of you I say, with love and respect, “Embrace change. It is your friend.” If change makes you want to chew the furniture, then the Internet is probably not a good place for you to be hanging out.
I can think of no better arena to practice your skill at Dancing With Change than your computer, be it a desktop, a laptop, a notebook or a smartphone. I say that because if you own them, you are likely highly motivated to use these tools and they are (and always will be) evolving quickly and without advance notice.
Those changes made by faceless programmers somewhere out in cyberspace are not designed to drive you crazy. They’re actually intended to improve things for you. Of course, we’ve all heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions but truly, Oliver Stone and Michael Moore notwithstanding, there are no geeks conspiring against you. The geeks with bad intentions could care less about how you socially network; they’re too busy hacking your bank records.
Here is why technical changes frustrate us so much. Think about it: you already knew how to use the program on your computer. It took awhile but you finally mastered it. Now someone you’ve never met and will never see has decided to “improve” things and overnight the program you knew how to use looks or acts completely different. What you are faced with is a learning curve. And learning curves make us nervous. We feel vulnerable, an emotion no one embraces.
When you’re hit with a change, the very first question to ask is, “Do I have any control over this?” If the answer is no, then the next question is, “What do I need to do to adjust?” (Bill’s answer to that is, “Use my computer as a Frisbee.”)
The good news is that medical science tells us that learning keeps our brains agile. According to Dr. Mehmet Oz: “Education is key to slowing brain aging. Simply put, the more you know, the more you stretch your brain’s capacity for learning.”
So the next time a program change happens that triggers a negative reaction from you, instead of beating up the developers, post a “thank you” from your future self. After all, the 80-year-old you will, because of them, have an extremely agile brain from continually trying to figure out how to “make this #!?*# thing work!”
Download a PDF of this article.
Tags: adult learning, change, change management, Facebook changes
No Comments »
|
|
