The steps of learning to dance with change:

One: Accept that which cannot be changed.

Two: Choose—will you dance or sit this one out?

Three: Determine how much of this new dance you already know.

Four: Determine your role—Lead or Follower?

Five: Focus on learning the new dance.

Six: Start with the frame—it’s everything.

Step Seven of Dancing with Change: If you step on your partner’s toes, apologize and keep dancing.

There are many reasons I chose the metaphor of Dancing with Change. One of the most important is that, when we first learn to dance, we expect to make mistakes.  We know what we don’t know and therefore refrain from putting a load of pressure on ourselves to be experts from the start.

It seems to be a different story when it comes to work or tasks at home. It is always amazing to me how many of us (myself included) get frustrated to the point of anger (dare I say rage?) when we cannot quickly master something new.  If you’ve ever wanted to throw your computer out the window then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Somehow, we think there is something wrong with us if it takes awhile to learn anything new.  When it comes to computers, for example, we say things like, “My 8 year-old nephew can do this; how difficult can it be?”

Here is where small children (say age 10 or under) have a major advantage over adults.  Most of them have not yet been convinced that struggling to learn is a sign they are stupid. Most of them want to learn because it’s fun and a challenge.

In order to learn anything, it is necessary to make mistakes.  Mistakes trigger a feeling of vulnerability, an extremely uncomfortable emotion and one we tend to avoid at all costs. The problem with this tactic is that avoidance costs us dearly. It keeps us from growing our skills, talent and knowledge.  It keeps us from the level of mastery.

In order to master something you need to be willing to experience the vulnerability that comes with being in new territory. Ask anyone who is truly a Master how they became so and you will hear a litany of mistakes they made along the path to mastery. They will also tell you that they make new ones all the time.

New ones—that’s a clue.  When I was a senior in High School I worked evenings and weekends at a department store. My boss was Mr. Keenan.  I thought he was an incredibly smart man. One day I went to “confess” to Mr. Keenan that I had made a mistake. (I was raised Catholic; confession is in my DNA.) I proceeded to tell him how stupid my mistake was and how I couldn’t believe I had done such a dumb thing. I babbled on and on and on until he finally raised his hand in the universal signal for “Stop.”  He said, “Silver, I don’t care if you make mistakes. That’s how you learn and it shows me you’re trying. Just don’t make the same mistake twice!”

I was flabbergasted. What?  No punishment?  No acts of contrition?  Not even a single Hail Mary?!? This was the first time anyone had ever given me permission to make mistakes.

I thought Mr. Keenan was the wisest man in the world. (Side note: he was 25 years old at the time!)

Mr. Keenan, young though he was, knew what all good leaders do—that mistakes are a sign that your team members are trying. He was smart enough to tell me the boundaries—don’t make the same mistake twice—and to praise instead of shame. He also made it safe for me to come to him whenever I DID make a mistake.

One of the most important attributes you can have is a rare commodity—the courage to admit when you’ve erred, apologize and keep moving.  Continuing to move is critical—can you imagine watching TV’s Dancing With the Stars and seeing each couple stop dancing every time they make a mistake?  That would make the show at least six hours long! What every good dancer knows is:  if you step on your partner’s toes, apologize and keep dancing. Most of the time, your partner is the only one who even notices the mistake.  The same is true at work or at home.  It’s appropriate to apologize to your partner(s) when you err; it’s not necessary to announce it to the world. Chances are, no one else even noticed.

The courage to keep dancing despite mistakes and obstacles and in the face of setbacks is a mark of greatness. Whether it’s Michael Jackson practicing over and over as he invented and then perfected the Moonwalk

or you at work struggling to learn a new process, persistence is key. Take it from wise “old” Mr. Keenan—mistakes are inevitable.  What’s important is to learn from them, apologize to anyone whose toes got stepped on, and keep moving.

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The steps of learning to dance with change:

One: Accept that which cannot be changed.

Two: Choose—will you dance or sit this one out?

Three: Determine how much of this new dance you already know.

Four: Determine your role—Lead or Follower?

Five: Focus on learning the new dance.

Step Six is:

Start with the frame—it’s everything.

In the dance community, you will often hear the term “frame” passionately discussed. According to Wikipedia, “Frame is the body shape maintained by dancers during partner dancing. Specifically, frame refers to the shape of the upper body of the dancers relative to the rest of the dancer’s body and the body of the dancer’s partner.”

When dancers have the frame right, the dance is easier to do and looks much better to those watching.

What a frame is to a dancer, frame of mind is to you when you’re dancing with change. Frame of mind is the spirit with which you approach the change relative to both your internal mind-set as well as the position you take with the rest of your team.

When you have the right frame of mind, the change is easier to make and looks much better to those who are observing (like your boss!).

Frame of mind is a choice.  No one can make you feel a certain way emotionally without you allowing it to happen.

One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last 20 years: we can choose the way we think.

Martin Seligman, Learned Optimism

A key challenge in implementing change is that those who came up with the idea for the change (Team A) usually have great enthusiasm for it while those who had it thrust upon them (Team B) do not. In fact, anyone on Team B who shows any enthusiasm at all for the idea is often treated as an outcast.

This situation is the sweet spot for a changepreneur™.

Are you a changepreneur™ or a “go along with the crowd” person? The former reaps untold opportunities and successes; the latter stays within a tight box, often one of dissatisfaction.

changepreneur™ n: someone who identifies opportunities within change, applies the necessary action to advance his/her ideas and assumes accountability for the inherent risks and outcomes.

Here is the frame of mind of a changepreneur™:

• I know there’s opportunity in this change. I’ll keep looking until I find it.
• What’s the empirical data versus the stories that are flying around?
• The “powers that be” wouldn’t have made this change unless they thought it would be good for the company. Where did they see opportunities?
• I wish this hadn’t happened but it did, so now what’s my strategy?
• What do I need to do differently in order to succeed within this change?
• What do I need to learn?
• Where can I be of service?
• What unique talent(s) or knowledge do I have that might be useful?
• What’s possible that maybe no one else has thought of?
• What will senior management or my customers be looking for that I can provide during this change?
• How can I have some fun with this?

The old adage, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” could have been written specifically to describe changepreneurs™.  They are the people who are always looking for the silver lining in every cloud. They are those “lucky” individuals who consistently land on their feet.  They seem to always be in the right place at the right time.

The Law of Attraction dictates that you get more of what you focus on. When you look at the frame of mind of a changepreneur™ versus a “go along with the crowd” individual you can see how well changepreneurs™ use this universal principle to its full advantage.

Frame is everything.  The attitude you bring to change dictates how the dance will go. Whether it’s a low-key change reminiscent of the Viennese Waltz or a fast-paced one like the Lindy Hop, dancing well with change requires the right frame of mind.

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Learning to dance with change:

Step One: Accept that which cannot be changed.

Step Two:  Choose whether you are going to dance or sit this one out.

Step Three: Determine how much of this new dance you already know.

Step Four: Determine your role–are you the Lead or the Follower?

Once you’ve taken Steps 1-4, it’s time to start dancing.

Step Five is:

Focus on learning the new dance.

There are few people who resist change more than I do. I like knowing what I’m doing. I like being competent. I like knowing stuff. So when I have to learn something new, I do not jump up and down yelling, “Yippee!!!” (Unless, of course, it was my idea to begin with.) When a change is thrust upon me, I generally develop what I consider a healthy level of disdain for whatever it is I need to learn. “How can this possibly be better than what I already know? This is stupid. I liked the old way! Why do we need to change it?”

Someone wiser than I once described this as trying to steer your car by using the rear view mirror.  Helen Keller put it this way:

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Refer to Step One. When you are facing a change that is mandatory, accept that you have no choice and then fully devote your efforts to learning whatever it is you need to learn.

Imagine you are in a dance class to learn the Cha-Cha. You can see through floor-to-ceiling windows into the classroom next door where the Mambo is being taught.  You learned the Mambo last year and you are really good at it. You love the Mambo; you feel competent and relaxed when doing this dance.  The more you gaze through the windows envying those who are dancing the Mambo, the longer it takes you to learn the Cha-Cha.

The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. Because of that, amazing things happen when you put your full attention on learning something new. It becomes easier. Because you are focused on the solution, information that will guide you forward comes your way from unexpected sources. You’ll find yourself thinking of unique ways to forge ahead while you are in the shower, driving your car…heck, you’ll even dream of solutions. That is the power of focus.

Years ago when I decided I wanted to do stand-up comedy, funny stories and one-liners would occur to me all day long–talking to my sister on the phone, standing in line at the grocery store, during business meetings…the supply seemed limitless. I even woke up one night laughing at a joke I had just told onstage in my dream. Of course I wrote it down and that’s a tip for you:  keep a pad of paper and pen handy so you can write things down as you think of them.

Once I decided that stand-up was not for me, funny information stopped showing up. My focus had shifted. I am fully confident, however, that should I renew my interest in stand-up and focus on “funny,” the information would again be there for the taking.

Can you think of a time when you have been fully devoted to solving something only to have the information you needed show up unexpectedly?  Maybe you received an email that held the answer. Maybe you “stumbled across” a magazine article or television show. In the Bible it says, “Seek and ye shall find.”  Truer words have yet to be written.

When my daughters were in school, I used to tell them that one of the secrets to getting good grades is to do your homework. Not only will you learn the subject, teachers will bend over backwards for students who are sincerely trying. Doing homework is evidence of your efforts.

The same is true at work. When you focus your full attention on learning what you need to, your supervisor is on your side.  If, on the other hand, you spend your energy fighting change, you are making your supervisor’s job difficult and in the long run that’s not good for you or your career.

What’s the bottom line?  Looking back over your shoulder while dancing only leads to accidents. The longer we cling to what was, the more time we lose in learning the new.  Mourn the old as quickly as you can in order to let go, and then place your focus on learning what’s in front of you.

Cha-Cha anyone?          

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Step One in learning to dance with change is to accept that which cannot be changed.

Step Two is: choose whether you are going to dance or sit this one out.

Step Three is: Determine how much of this new dance you already know.

Today we will cover the next step in Learning to Dance With Change. Step Four is:

Determine your role—are you the Lead or the Follower?

Before you can start dancing with others, roles need to be determined.  If two people get out on the dance floor and both try to lead, the dance does not go well. If both decide to follow, the same is true.  Without determining your part before joining the dance, you will step on many toes and the dance will be painfully awkward.

The same is true when implementing change. We’ve all heard the expression, “Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians.”  When everyone tries to take the lead on a project, chaos ensues.  Things don’t get done because there is an assumption that someone else took care of it. On the flip side, there is often duplication of effort because the right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing.

What dancers will tell you is that the Lead does not have any more control over the dance than does the Follower. The Follower is being led but the dance is a partnership; they dance together, making each other look good. When one falters, the other makes up for it.

This is also what happens on a good project team.  It is up to the Team Leader to set the tone and structure; the Team members then make sure that each performs their part well so that the overall project is successful.

Too often we think it is up to the Lead to take up the slack on a project.  When you approach it in the spirit of partnership, then you realize that if s/he falters, so do you.  Just as s/he would take up the slack for you, it is up to you to do the same for your Lead.

We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.  ~ Japanese Proverb

When you find it difficult to follow (or lead, for that matter), it is often due to a feeling of vulnerability, of being exposed.  When I was a teenager my father tried, in vain, to teach me the Fox Trot.  He finally gave up in exasperation because I could not or would not let him lead.  Like most people, I am extremely uncomfortable being in a situation where I feel out of control and I thought that following while dancing was one such situation. Each time I felt uncertain, instead of letting him guide me, I tried to take over. (The story of my life, by the way!)

Years later, I took formal dance lessons with the explicit goal of learning how to follow.  My inability to do so had become a social embarrassment so my motivation was high.  Today, I can relax and let the other person lead.  Of course, the better I know the dance, the more relaxed I am and the more I enjoy it.  When my partner starts to take me into unknown territory, my knee-jerk reaction is to take over but I’m now able to take a deep breath and relax into it.

I find myself applying these same concepts to being on a project team.  When I was in my twenties, I wanted to run everything. I was of the personality type someone once brilliantly described as “a massive ego coupled with an inferiority complex.” My reaction to feeling vulnerable was to take over.  It was never pretty and it didn’t do my career any good, either.

Now that I grasp the concept of partnership, it is much easier to accept the role of Follower. I finally understand that no role is better than another on a project; all are equally necessary to get the job done.

When you are considering whether to take the role of Follower or Lead, the questions below are useful. Please consider them in the context of this specific project because the answers are different depending on the mission:

• Where would your skills be most useful?
• Thinking back to similar projects of the past, in what position would you have delivered optimum performance?
• Are there gaps in your knowledge that a different Lead might have?
• Who could take the team to the finish line the fastest while achieving all the objectives?
• Could you be the Lead for one component of the project and Follower for the rest?

Whatever your role is on a project, remember that, just like dancing, delivering a good performance depends on all parties.  If the Follower doesn’t perform his/her role consistently well, the best Lead in the world won’t be able to make up for it.

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To recap:  Step One in learning to dance with change is to accept that which cannot be changed.  Step Two is: choose whether you are going to dance or sit this one out.

Whether or not you choose to dance or sit this one out, you are still challenged with a change in your life.  If you choose to dance, you must learn the new steps.  If you decide to sit it out, you are still facing a new dance because the old one is over; it’s no longer available to you. You may opt out of the new one but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to dance. There is no standing still; you’re always dancing.

In the area of change management, there is much discussion about fear and not nearly enough about the more specific concept of vulnerability.  Fear is defined as “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined.” Vulnerability is “the state of feeling exposed; susceptibility to injury or attack.” Although this may be pure semantics, to my mind fear is more momentary where vulnerability has real staying power.

When people are faced with any type of change, they often feel exposed. This can take the form of worrying that they’re incapable, for any number of reasons, of learning this new dance. The two most popular reasons seem to be, “I’m not smart enough,” or “I’m too old.” I’ve even heard the declaration, “I’m tired of learning new things.” We never tire of learning. Aren’t you excited about learning when it’s your idea?  What we get weary of is the feeling of vulnerability when new dances are thrust upon us.

Whatever new dance you are faced with, Step Three of learning to dance with change is:

Determine how much of this new dance you already know.

When I was in the fifth grade, The Mashed Potato (not to be confused with The Monster Mash) was THE dance. I became determined to learn it.  My friend Margie had an older sister Gigi who agreed to teach it to us. It took two days of concentrated effort over a weekend to learn but it finally clicked. One minute I was struggling and the next minute I was mashing away!  The key? I finally figured out that The Mashed Potato is little more than The Charleston standing in one place!  (I had already learned The Charleston from a TV show that took place in the Roaring Twenties.) When I finally realized the steps were the same, I was suddenly the neighborhood Queen of the Mashed Potato! (At least in my mind.)

You will rarely run into a change that doesn’t include some components you already know.  Remember the first time you came face-to-face with a computer?  I’ll bet you were already familiar with the keyboard. A quick way to take the fear out of adapting to whatever new “dance” you’re learning is to figure out what you already know that can be applied.

Here are some questions to ask (Managers and Supervisors, these are great to ask your team members):

• What is familiar about this?
• When have you had to learn something similar?
• How did you learn it that time?
• Were there shortcuts you couldn’t see then that you can apply this time around?
• How can you leverage this knowledge?

People who speak several languages will tell you that the third is easier to learn than the second. This is true especially if they are in the same family, such as the Latin languages. That’s because you can apply concepts like case and conjugation you learned the first time around.

The same is true of anything you need to learn. If you’ve done something similar, you can take what you learned from that experience and apply it to what you now face. The important thing is to understand that we all feel vulnerable at the beginning. Some mask it behind indifference; others pretend that nothing could be easier. Still others act as if they already know it.

Whatever external stance you adopt when faced with learning something new, it is important that internally you understand that you already know how to learn; you simply have to apply those methods here.  Each time you successfully learn something, you get better at the process. Luckily for us, we needn’t start from scratch each time; the art of learning builds upon itself.

So the next time you are required to learn a new dance, take some time before you dive in to determine what steps and techniques you already know.  I turned The Charleston into The Mashed Potato—you can take your knowledge of one project to a new one and be ahead of the game.

When you take the time to determine how much of the new dance you already know, your feelings of vulnerability will abate. You are smart enough, you’re not too old and you know you never really tire of learning!

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To recap:  the first step in learning to dance with change is to accept that which cannot be changed.

Once you’ve accepted that the circumstances are here to stay, it is time to decide how you are going to respond. Whenever a change occurs that frightens us (and nearly all change does), one of two instincts is activated in our reptilian brains:  fight or flight.

Therefore Step Two in learning how to Dance with Change is to decide:

Are you going to dance or are you going to sit this one out?

In other words, are you going to stay and work through it or are you going to leave? Although many times leaving seems to be the most attractive choice, it is important to understand that leaving results in change, as well.

I have a coaching client who called to say she’s thinking of quitting her job.  Although I completely understood her reasons for wanting to (slave-driver boss, not enough money…) it was important for her to work through what changes would occur if she did quit.

Many of the new changes would be positive: no more 18-hour workdays; she would be free to move to the same city as her fiancé’ and she could look for a more reasonable job.  But just because a change falls on the plus side of a column doesn’t mean it’s easier to cope with.  She would also be faced with finding a new job, packing up to move and let’s not forget the adjustment of living with her fiancé’ versus a long-distance romance.

She determined that the plusses of leaving outweighed the minuses and she quit.  In doing so, she’s very clear that she now faces even more change as she moves into this new phase of her life.  She decided to sit out the dance she was in and now needs to learn the steps of some new ones.

Deciding to stay when change occurs also has plusses and minuses. Of the two choices, staying is usually the easier. This is true even in the face of grim circumstances. The statistics on abused women successfully escaping their abusers only to voluntarily return are sobering. They are often more afraid of being able to do everything it would take to forge a new life than going back to the life they are familiar with.

I see this in companies all the time. Employees have a lengthy list of complaints about how they are managed, the unfairness of their pay, and the working conditions. And yet, when you suggest they consider developing a strategy for leaving, they have an equally long list of reasons why that’s not a good idea.

For many, the theory is:  Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know. And there’s nothing wrong with that unless you make the choice to stay and then act as if you didn’t.

When a change occurs that you don’t like and you make a choice to stay and work through it, then your job is to figure out how.  Please do not stay and then focus all your efforts on fighting the change every step of the way.  This would be akin to going onto the dance floor when they are playing hip-hop music and stubbornly insisting on dancing a tango.  You might dance the most beautiful tango in the world but if the music doesn’t match, you simply look like you don’t know what you are doing and you are a distraction to the other dancers.

We face the choice of dance or sit every single day:

• Tackle our projects with vigor or do busy work to avoid them?
• Pay attention in a meeting or daydream?
• Complain or suggest solutions?
• Show up on time or straggle in late?
• Applaud the way others dance or critique their styles?
• Fully support the goals of your organization or secretly sabotage them?

The dancers who win in competition are not always the ones with the perfect form. They are more often the ones who are having a great time.  You can tell they are thoroughly enjoying themselves and they bring the audience (and the judges) along with them.

Have you ever seen dancers who clearly are uncomfortable?  They look like they hope the floor will open up at any moment and swallow them.  In watching them, we become uncomfortable as well and then nobody’s having any fun.

If you decide to stay and dance, by all means go for it!  Do not hold back. Give it your all even if you’re not a great dancer.  (Small children can’t dance but they have so much fun and are so committed that they win their audience over.)

When you decide to stay and work through whatever change you are facing and you give it your all, you will discover that suddenly you have mastered the dance and you can move your feet without even thinking about them.

Deciding to dance or sit this one out are both powerful choices. Whatever your choice, fully embrace it.

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As we enter (willing or not) the second year of this Decade of Change, we will be called upon more often than ever to adapt quickly to rapidly changing circumstances.  I can think of no more important competency for success at work and in your personal life than the ability to dance with change. As with any dance, mastering the steps is necessary before you can relax and enjoy the music.

Over the next several months we will learn, together, the steps for dancing with change. Once we master the basics, we can learn to improvise.

The process of change is both simple and complex. Simple in that it is something we do everyday.  There is not one person reading this who is the same person she was yesterday: cells have grown or died; we’ve aged by another 24 hours and the world is different than it was and we’ve adapted accordingly. Change is complex in that it is something we all do and yet resist to varying degrees and under different circumstances.

Take the weather.  As I write this, it is winter and many parts of the world are buried under snow. Some relish the change, declaring the air “crisp” and the smell “fresh.”  They love to see the white powder covering the ground. Others complain nonstop about the inconvenience of waiting for cars to warm up and roads to be plowed.  They never see the beauty of the white powder; only the roadside soot-covered snow piles.

Identical circumstances; different processes of adapting and yet, the bottom line is that we all adjust to cold by changing the way we behave and how we dress; it would be foolish and sometimes deadly not to.

Those who relish cold weather have learned that adapting to winter comfortably requires acceptance.  They do not resist the cold; they focus instead on the good things that come with it. Conversely, those who resist can see nothing good and spend the months of winter in misery. Either way, they adapt.

The first step in learning to dance with change is to accept that which cannot be changed.

Have you ever been on the dance floor when the song that lured you onto your feet ended and the next song turned out to be one you didn’t know how to dance to?  When that happens to me, my initial response is to get mad at the song or the band playing it.  I think, “Who could dance to this?  Nobody!” And then I look around to discover that better dancers than I are dancing to it, and well.

I cannot change the song so I have two choices:  (1) figure out the beat and how to move to it; or (2) get off the dance floor.

When you run up against a circumstance you cannot change, what is your initial response?  Are you determined to figure out how to go with it or do you want to flee?  This is the typical “fight or flight” response to danger.

Change, even one as simple as a new dance song, can trigger feelings of vulnerability.  The intensity of that feeling depends on several factors:

• Are you a practiced dancer, experienced with many styles of dance?
• Do you only know one or two dances?  If they play rock ‘n roll, you know what to do; if they switch to a polka (do people still polka?), you’re lost.
• Are you a complete novice?  You’re not even sure why you ventured onto the dance floor in the first place!

Our feelings of vulnerability when we are asked to adapt are directly proportional to our perceived level of expertise within the domain that is changing.  Show a Communications Manager a problem with a component of the message he is writing and he frowns for a moment and then goes to work using his expertise to solve it.  Approach that same employee looking for solutions involving how to use a company software program he has had little interaction with and his anxiety level rises. He feels vulnerable.  In many instances, this vulnerability is tied directly to the fear of looking stupid.

The good news is:  if you have learned to adapt in one domain, the same skills you learned to do so are applicable in another.  It is fear that keeps us from trying.

In today’s rapidly evolving world, we must all learn to apply these skills in different domains.  That Communications Manager, if he knew he had to learn the software program in order to feed his family would figure it out. He would have taken the first step:  accepting that which cannot be changed.

What circumstances are you faced with that cannot be changed?  What do you need to do to accept them so you can move forward?  And how can you apply your success at adapting in one domain to the new one you are facing?

Remember, the Law of Attraction says you get more of what you focus on. Therefore, whether you think you can or think you cannot, you are right.

Next blog:  Step Two of Dancing with Change

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One of the major benefits of learning how to dance with change is that it keeps your brain facile.  In fact, Andrew Weil, M.D. in his book Healthy Aging recommends learning a foreign language (a BIG change for most of us) as a way to stave off the effects of aging on the brain, “You don’t have to master it.  Just the attempt to learn a language is like running different software through the brain. You’re exercising more communication channels.”

Well, there are the traditional foreign languages and there are the new languages we need to learn as we are adapting to changes. Some examples:

Learning how to speak the same language as your boss. Even if you are both fluent in the same language, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you both attach the same meaning to words and phrases.  My favorite example is the term “customer service.” I continually tell managers that, if one of the results they want from their team is “excellent customer service” then it would serve them well to define what they mean by that. I have seen many problems arise when a team member delivers customer service according to his standards, which are quite different from those of his boss.

The same is true in home situations. We tell our kids “be good” as if they were born knowing what that means.  When we define the criteria, there are fewer arguments because both child and parent can clearly see when something is done that doesn’t fit the criteria of “be good.”

Figuring out what all those darned acronyms mean. Many years ago I went to work for a computer software company in Marketing Intelligence (which the Sales team assured me was an oxymoron). For the first three months, whenever I attended a meeting and we were talking about the computerized sales system, I thought I’d landed in the bar scene of Star Wars where every creature spoke a dialect unfamiliar to my untrained ears. So many acronyms flew around the room, my head spun from trying to keep up.

Today it’s IM and Twitter. I’m still trying to get everything straight. So far I have mastered LOL, BTW, and (:  I’m still working on retweets, direct tweets and whether one’s head could actually explode from the pressure  of trying to be hip (and I suspect just using the word hip places me solidly out of contention).

Adapting to the culture. Most foreign language classes start with the basics which include good manners—how to say please, thank you and you’re welcome.  Beyond the words, it is important when you finally travel to the foreign country whose language you studied, that you also learn what good manners are within that specific culture.  For example, in certain Mideast cultures, showing the bottom of your foot roughly translates to, “I consider you lower than the dirt on the ground.” That faux pas would be difficult to recover from.

Learning what’s acceptable at work is equally important and a moving target. The culture is in constant motion, responding to many factors: changes in the marketplace, employee turnover, new ownership, and mergers with other companies. It is a good practice to routinely raise your head up from your work to assess the culture you are in now.  Too many of us decide how to approach our work based on the shape of the culture when we first joined the organization. Are you keeping up with the culture you’re in?  Do you know what’s acceptable behavior? If you’re not sure how to assess it, a quick way to start is by observing the behavior that gets rewarded and that which gets punished.

Learning to dance with change is an ongoing process. The more we use the steps (which we’ll cover beginning in my New Year’s column), the better dancer you’ll become. Once you’ve learned the steps, the answer to how to get really good at the dance is contained in this old joke:

A New York City tourist stops a local on the sidewalk to ask, “How does one get to Carnegie Hall?” The local replies, “Practice, practice, practice!”

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Are you tired of having to deal with change?  It seems a week doesn’t go by without being asked to adapt to something new—a boss, an updated computer program or a new group of contenders on Dancing With the Stars.

Life comes at us pretty darned fast.

Whether the change in front of you is positive or negative, it will undoubtedly activate within you some unpleasant feelings.

First of all, change is an interruption and interruptions tend to annoy us. We haven’t allowed time for this change, it takes us from a routine with which we are familiar and, adding insult to injury, it requires us to learn something new! (Remember graduating from school and thinking, with that childlike innocence, “Finally! I’m done. I don’t have to learn one more thing!”?)

Having to learn something new activates a feeling most of us avoid like the plague. That feeling is vulnerability.  The kissing cousin of fear, vulnerability seems somehow worse:  it strikes at the core of who we believe ourselves to be.  It makes us feel small and dependant, like a child.

vul-ner-a-ble >adj. 1a. Not protected against harm or injury. b. Susceptible to attack; assailable. c. Easily affected or hurt, as by criticism.

Feeling vulnerable does not evoke your “A” game, that’s for sure.  More likely, it causes you to react—a chemical effect induced by adrenalin that triggers the ancient “fight or flight” instinct.

So we say things like, “People hate change,” when the reality is that it’s not the change itself that makes us cringe, it’s the feeling of vulnerability it induces.

When change occurs it causes us to fret, “Can I adapt this time? Am I capable?  What if this is the one time I really can’t do what they expect of me?”

For some, getting to the other side of the initial reaction to change happens rapidly.  These evolved beings cycle through change like Lance Armstrong up a 10-degree hill. When change strikes, they take the hit to the solar plexus and briefly panic. For a while they feel anger and a desire to punch something. Then their rational mind starts to wrest control, reminding them of how good they are at handling these sorts of situations, pointing out ways in which this could work to their advantage and coaxing them away from reaction and into response.

How are these mere mortals able to process changes so quickly?  They have learned how to manage their focus.

The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on.  Your emotions are the strongest indicator of whether you are focused on something that will please you.  When you react to change, your focus is on any number of things, none of them positive. The longer you linger in the awful feeling of vulnerability, the more strongly you are attracting circumstances that will prove that you are, indeed, vulnerable.

Self-talk is the quickest technique to managing your focus. It’s negative self-talk that sparked your feelings of vulnerability and caused you to react.  It is positive self-talk that will move you into respond mode.  Moving from react to respond is an indication that your point of attraction is moving toward things that will please you and away from things that will not.

If you’re interested in becoming more like those who quickly cycle through the negative part of change to get to the “goodies,” then practicing soothing and positive self-talk is definitely the way to go. You will feel vulnerable for shorter periods of time, adapt more quickly to our rapidly changing world and, as a bonus, you may even learn to like some of the new batch of Dancing with the Starts contestants.

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The holidays are typically a time when our routines get disrupted in very big ways.  Even if you love this season, it’s easy to get thrown off by the additional pressures.

I cannot think of a better time to deepen your understanding of how to leverage the Law of Attraction to your advantage. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1.  You get more of what you focus on.  Is your focus on how much you love this time of year or on your Inner Martyr?  (Place the back of your hand to your forehead) I can’t possibly get all this done.  Why do I do this every year?  I need more hours in the day!

Try instead to hum along with the seasonal music, enjoy the store window displays, and notice all the beautiful decorations.  Any or all of these actions will result in your attracting more pleasure AND you’ll get more done!

2.  You can tell whether you’re focused on what you want or what you don’t by how you feel. Positive emotions are telling you, “You’re on the right track; keep going.”  Negative emotions are letting you know, “If you stay focused on that, you are not going to like the results!”

Plus, positive emotions are so much more fun, don’t you think?

3.  Your attention is a request for “more of this, please.” Wasted prayers and affirmations abound.  If you pray, “Please help me get through this,” your attention is on struggle and effort. If you pray instead, “Help me to have fun with this,” your attention is on what you want.  Semantics don’t matter; what you’re paying attention to does.  Putting the word “no” in front of something doesn’t automatically place your focus on what you want.  When you say, “No illness, please, your attention is on illness and that’s what you begin to attract.

I have a cousin-in-law who takes a multitude of vitamins and extraordinary precautions during cold and flu season, all toward the purpose of not getting sick. And every year he gets sick—more than once. His focus is not on being healthy.  He is completely focused on “no illness,” thinking, as so many of us do, that the word “no” negates what follows.

Repeat after me:  words do not matter; my attention does.

4. The fastest way to change your mood is to change your physiology. You cannot smile and be in a bad mood at the same time—it would make your head explode (okay, that last part I made up). Seriously, when you’re grinning or humming a happy tune or laughing, it instantaneously puts you into a good mood. I have used this technique for years and it never fails me.

5.  Your brain doesn’t know the difference between pretend and reality.  (This is what makes #4 work.)  If you act as if you’re on top of things and everything you need to do is getting done on schedule, your brain believes you and floods your system with chemicals that produce positive emotions.  Positive emotions attract more of what you want and so, voila! circumstances line up to prove you right!

This is why self-talk is so critical.  There is a huge difference in results when you say, “This is a piece of cake” versus “I can’t figure out how to do this!” Either way, your brain believes you.

I caution you; don’t believe a word written here.  Instead, experiment for yourself! Print this, put it in your purse or wallet and pull it out when you’re facing something that is typically challenging: shopping in a crowded mall, making holiday travel arrangements or trying to stay sober while making your traditional Harvey Wallbanger Christmas Cake.

The holidays are a time when we all feel the need to multi-task and I, for one, say, “Go for it!”  Grab that “to do” list in one hand, the Law of Attraction in the other and watch how smoothly things go. When you do, you will have one of the most fun holiday seasons ever!

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