Well, so is not putting your hand on a hot stove but how many of us had to learn THAT the hard way?

A delicious and important way to passionately take care of yourself is to stop rushing.  It requires some proactive action on your part but the payoff is huge.

Procrastinating is at the heart of most rushing. We put off an assignment until the last minute.  We leave for an appointment five minutes later than we should have.  We take daily saunas the week before our class reunion, convinced we can lose those ten pounds (not ME—I’m just sayin.’)

Rushing is linked to adrenalin (if there’s something to get addicted to, I’ll always find it). For years I was an adrenalin junkie, starting the moment I woke up (late) and frantically tried to get myself together so I could get to school, and then later work, on time. It’s an AWFUL way to start your day and yet, there I was doing it over and over. And you wonder why I drank.

The simplest way to stop rushing is to always give yourself 10-15 minutes leeway.  Close your eyes for a moment and imagine what that might feel like.

What would it be like to actually taste and enjoy your breakfast each morning?  (Breakfast? Who has time for THAT?!?)

See yourself arriving early enough for your doctor’s appointment that you can read the four-year-old magazine telling you who won the Academy Awards.

Imagine driving your car without gripping the wheel so hard your knuckles are white.  Instead, you are enjoying the drive, admiring the scenery and singing along to the radio.

You arrive at your destination, leisurely gather together what you need to take with you before getting out to lock the car and actually notice where you’ve parked it. (I remember an incident when I was rushed to get to a workshop I was delivering. At the end of the day, when my feet hurt like hell, I was wandering around on every floor of the parking garage crying from fatigue while I tried to locate my car. It was pitiful.)

There are a number of good reasons for not rushing beyond the obvious one of just feeling better (which in and of itself is enough of an excuse to do it.)  One of the best reasons is that, when you are stressed out from rushing, your brain sends chemicals into your body that are not at all good for you. Stress causes all kinds of mischief and so much of the stress caused by rushing is avoidable!

Look, don’t take my word for it. Try it!  Try it for a week and see what a difference it makes. If it doesn’t work, I’ll happily refund your misery.

This is the sixteenth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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Yesterday we held a memorial service for my dear friend Gayna who lost a horrific battle with metastatic breast cancer.

One of the “themes” of what people said about Gayna is that she had great expectations for the people she loved.  She sure did.  She did not suffer fools gladly and if she liked you, it was because she respected you and thought you were up for a “bigger game” in life than most people play.  When you only see the best in people, you are likely to be disappointed from time to time, and she was.

The lesson to be learned about Passionate Self Care from Gayna is that she never adjusted her own personality to accommodate anyone else’s unresolved issues.  What do I mean by that?  Well, Gayna was very direct.  If you reacted negatively to something she said, she was willing to discuss it with you and make sure there was no misunderstanding but she never filtered your negative reaction to mean that there was something wrong with how she communicates. She knew your reaction was your responsibility, not hers.

As someone who has been trying to recover from  “people pleasing,” I cannot help but admire that.  To take a stand that we are each responsible for our own reactions to things takes lots of courage.  It is saying, “I will be responsible for taking care of my emotions; you are responsible for taking care of yours.”

The people who were willing to live that way flourished around Gayna.  I can tell you that I am a better person after hanging out with her these last three years and others who stood up and shared at her Memorial said the same about themselves.  She held out a mirror to me and let me see that I get to choose how I interpret disappointments.

As I’ve traveled though life, the people I meet who are the most spiritual are the ones who have suffered most. Gayna had suffered greatly in her life and she lived with fear every day.  Because of that, whenever people disappointed her, (and she felt hurt very deeply) she eventually would say, “They’re just afraid.” I learned from her that hurt people hurt people.

This past week I’ve thought a lot about how weird death is. One day a person is here and the next they are gone. I realize that the test of what you’ve left behind is how often people think about you after. I know Gayna will be in my thoughts for years and that she has and will continue to impact how I live my life.

What a gift.

This is the fifteenth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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Laughter is magic. Like so many, my childhood was spent with a dysfunctional group of people I call my family. (By the way, I fit right in even though it didn’t feel like it at the time.) What my family had that saved me from going stark raving mad (instead of just crazy which was the route I took) was laughter. To this day, when my siblings and I get together, there is much laughter.

Laughter is good for you on so many levels:

• • It provides a way to release stress, a bit like letting steam out of a pressure cooker.
• • It’s a terrific abdominal exercise.  They don’t call them belly laughs for nothing.

• • You can use it anywhere; no special equipment is required.
• • It sends a signal to your brain that you’re in a good mood. In return, your brain releases those feel good chemicals that guarantee you stay that way.

You don’t need a reason to laugh. You can, right at this moment, start to laugh. Of course, if you’re sitting in an office surrounded by lots of people, this is likely to get you sent to the Employee Assistance office where they’ll force you to take a battery of psychiatric tests.  SO…. If you feel the need for a good laugh, simply pick up the phone, pretend you hear something funny and let it rip. Once you’re done, if an office mate asks, “What was so funny?” simply reply, “You had to be there.” Since we’ve all said that at one time or another, it lets you off the hook for providing an explanation. If you decide not to say this and instead make up a joke, you put yourself in the embarrassing situation of discovering you really stink at joke writing. And word gets out. Trust me on this.

If you don’t believe you can make yourself laugh at will, there are many tools on the Internet to help.  Just type into your search engine the words “laughing baby” and you will receive all sorts of laughter aids by clicking on the various links.  Here’s my favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY

If babies don’t do it for you, simply type in “funny videos” although this is a riskier venture.  What some people find funny!!!

In India, Dr. Madan Kararia founded “laughing clubs” to promote good health. Members meet each day at the same time, look at each other and laugh. They leave and go about their business.

Imagine what life would be like if you started each day with laughter!!!

If you want to practice Passionate Self Care, add laughter to your day.  Whether it’s triggered by something you hear or see or you just decide to laugh, it will serve you on so many levels.

This is the fourteenth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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1. Stop struggling & seek solutions
2. Heed your internal guidance system
3. Surrender control
4. Identify & diffuse your buttons
5. Mind your own business
6. Feed your mind only what you want more of
7. DO sweat the small stuff
8. Position your physical body to serve you
9. Bask
10. Measure for what you want
11. Only take inspired action
12. Give back

Although I can type out the list in the wink of an eye, living it every day is challenging. It’s always been so for me but even more so now because of the life-threatening health challenge my beloved Bill is going through.

There are days I want to isolate. Okay, most days I want to isolate. Because my mind is prone to the dramatic, I used to think that what isolation looked like was someone locking the doors of the house, closing the curtains so no light could get in, and ignoring phone calls or any knocks on the door.

Because I thought that’s what isolation looked like, my intellectual brain (the one that’s out to get me) convinces me that I am doing nothing of the sort. But I know better (because of #2).

For me, isolating looks like this: I keep myself busy with things that prevent me from going out into the world. I don’t return phone calls or emails because “I’m not in the mood.” And for SURE I’m isolating when I don’t reach out to others to either extend a hand or ask for one.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Those who most need to learn how to practice Passionate Self Care are those of us who are always ready to help others but won’t admit we need help ourselves.

All the tools listed here are great and they work. The most important one for me to keep in mind is #3. You see most of the things I do that are not so good for me are attempts to control the world around me. If I do all the “right” things, maybe the world won’t come crashing down around my ears.  It’s a nice thought but the Serenity Prayer says it best:

There are things I do for Bill that we hope will delay the march of the cancer (reference #1). I feed him well, make sure he takes his vitamins and do everything possible to create a restful and healing environment. “The wisdom to know the difference” is my knowing that there really isn’t a damned thing I can do about his cancer. As I go about performing all these loving and nurturing actions it must be with full knowledge that they are as much for me as they are for him and that I am not in control here.

Which sucks. Big time.

The tools that are serving me very well during this time are #6, #9 and #10.  Every day we wake up together I am grateful and if he’s feeling pretty good, even better. I bask in the here and now and do everything I can to keep my crystal ball in retirement. I don’t know what the future holds. I only know what I fear it holds so why dwell there?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that these tools work. And the one I plan to consciously practice this week is #2. It’s what will keep me from isolating. When I pay attention to how I feel when I’m isolating, it’s very clear that it’s not working well at all. So…off I go. Out of my head and into the world.

This is the thirteenth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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You may be wondering why “give back” is a step in the quest for Passionate Self Care; it seems contradictory.  But you see, I am not asking you to give back as a selfless act but because it can do so much for you.

The #1 factor for happiness is service to others. In his groundbreaking book Stumbling on Happiness, Harvard Professor Dan Gilbert writes that human beings are abysmal at predicting what will make them happy or unhappy.

Undisputed, however, in all the research on happiness is that service to others is guaranteed to make one happy. When we give back our efforts are rewarded in ways we cannot even begin to imagine. Therefore, acts of service are the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.

In spite of this, most of us come to this “giving back” approach kicking and screaming because we cannot imagine that it could be that simple. Or we think we have to go out of our way to give back—volunteer at a soup kitchen or give money we don’t have to charity. While both those things would certainly qualify, I’m a big believer that charity begins at home. If each of us were to adopt “giving back” as our modus of operandi, think of what could change.

What if:

• The many things you do for your family were regarded as gifts of service instead of chores?

• You went about your day looking for ways to be kind to others?
• You brought this philosophy to work and expanded customer service to include co-workers and even (gasp!) your boss?

Best-selling author Dr. Wayne Dyer points out that kindness toward someone is its own reward and has a ripple effect beyond compare. The person for whom you do a kind deed feels good. You feel good. And anyone who sees your thoughtful act feels good as well! Think of how much joy you could feel and spread in just one day through kindness

This is the twelfth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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This is why I am encouraging you to only take action when you are inspired to do so. Not only is this an extraordinary way to make the Law of Attraction work in your favor, it will also ensure that you produce the results you want with very little effort.

Think about past vacations.  (If you can’t remember one, you really DO need Passionate Self Care!)  When you scheduled a special event and it was necessary to get up early to go on your adventure, did you rise from your bed moaning and complaining? Of course not! You bounded out of bed, often before the alarm rang, excited to “get at it.”

This is one reason vacations produce such great fun. The action you take is inspired. You don’t need to be brought to it kicking and screaming. And, because the Law of Attraction is always at work, when you feel good on vacation, you naturally attract additional circumstances that make you feel even better. It can be no other way.

You may very well say to me, “But Silver, if I wait until I’m inspired to take action, nothing will ever get done!” I didn’t suggest you wait until you get “struck” with inspiration. You can create it yourself. How? By asking yourself one simple question that is designed to inspire you:

Why do I want to do this?

I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly powerful this question is. Answering it causes you to envision the positive result you are trying to produce by taking the action.

Visualizing something is the fastest way to bring it into being. The more clear the picture, the quicker it will happen. Answering the question, “Why do I want to do this?” causes the picture to come into focus easily.

Of course, the possible answers to, “Why do I want to do this?” are as varied as the people who ask it.

Maybe you want to do it because it will please your boss and you like to please your boss. The vision you would hold in your mind is the look on your boss’ face or the note of praise you receive.

You may want to do it because someone suggested you are incapable of doing it and you want to prove you can. The picture that comes into focus could be the look of surprise on the naysayer’s face.

Perhaps you get a real kick out of crossing things off your “to do” list.  Then by all means, envision yourself doing so with a great big grin on your face.

Another very good reason for doing something, especially something unpleasant, is because you know it will feel SO good when it’s over. See yourself leaving work with a dance in your step because you’ve completed this important but tedious task.

Look at the question carefully. It doesn’t ask, “Do you want to do this?” It doesn’t query, “Why would you want to do this?” It assumes you want to do it, you just don’t realize why. Once you can answer the question, “Why do I want to do this?” you will be able to consciously take inspired action.  And inspired action always produces good results.

How will you know if your action is inspired? It will feel good to do it! It’s as simple as that!

When you use this powerful question, you will have learned how to clearly visualize what you want to achieve and you will be naturally inspired to take the next step. If something is “the next natural step,” you will never have to force yourself to do it; it will be a pleasure.

By the way, the more inspired the action, the better the results. Actions inspired in joy produce joyful results.

Key #11 to Passionate Self Care:  Take Inspired Action

This is the eleventh installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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Want to have an easier commute?  Start by paying attention to how many good drivers you encounter along the way. When was the last time you heard someone say, “I had such a great commute today.  Everyone on the road was courteous and driving safely.”  My guess is NEVER, that’s the last time you heard someone say that.  What we hear about are the jerks on the road who were going way too fast or way too slow for our taste. If you measure for problems on your commute (or in any part of your life), that is precisely what you will get.

Wishing your boss was more ________ (fill in the blank)?  The Law of Attraction applied here is powerful.  Let’s say you want your boss to be more appreciative of the work you do.  You’ve already figured out that the more you focus on how much s/he doesn’t appreciate you, the less appreciation you get.  Hint:  no one can give you what you won’t give yourself. You will always attract people into your life who agree with your opinion of your self worth. If you want others to appreciate you, you must start by appreciating yourself.  What specifically have you done today that you’re proud of?  Have you patted yourself on the back and said, “Good job”?  Start measuring for what you do well and watch the change in how others treat you.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie What About Bob? was when Bob, played by Bill Murray overcomes his fear of sailing by having the crew tie him to the mast.  He sees his psychiatrist on the shore and yells, “Look, Dr. Marvin. I’m sailing!”

Bob is not measuring what he’s not doing (standing on the deck of the boat of his own accord).  He’s completely focused on what he has accomplished.  He’s sailing!  Bob is a good role model for us all.

We all have an Internal Guide who tells us at any moment what we are measuring.  If you feel any kind of negative emotion whether it’s slight annoyance or all the way to complete rage, it is telling you that you are measuring for what you do not want.  When you’re experiencing positive feelings, anything from calm to euphoria, your Internal Guide is telling you you’re measuring for what will make you happy.  And it’s coming your way.

Write and tell me how a slight shift in what you’re measuring has or could make a big difference in your life.  Change your focus; change your life!

This is the tenth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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Because the Law of Attraction dictates that you get more of what you focus on, you can best leverage it by doing everything in your power to stay in a good mood. When we are feeling good we can only attract into our lives other circumstances and things that also feel good.

Basking is actively feeling good. You cannot bask unconsciously. By its very nature, basking requires you to be conscious of how pleasant you are feeling in the moment.

If you want to see what basking looks like follow a cat around for a few hours—cats have taken basking to an art form. They lie in the sun at any opportunity. They will stretch and preen when they are being petted. You can hear audible evidence of their basking–it’s called purring.

Family occasions often trigger basking. At weddings, you’ll see a parent basking in the knowledge that their child has married well. At family reunions, if you look, you will sometimes see one person sitting and drinking it all in–the laughter, the hugs, the dancing–basking in how much love there is in the room.

Musical performances, art museums, sporting events, children’s plays, a day by the seashore– all places where people bask. Those who have learned this skill are deeply contented. No matter what is going on around them, they always seem able to find something to warm their hearts.

You wouldn’t think the kitchen would necessarily be a place to bask but for those who love to cook, it is. I’m not one of those people. However, since my honey Bill was diagnosed with cancer, I’ve begun to cook in earnest.  The part I dislike the most is the prep work, particularly what’s involved in preparing fresh vegetables for a nutritious salad.  So instead of doing it every day, l prepare, clean, cut and chop every 3-4 days.  Last week I decided I would really make it fun. I put my laptop on the kitchen counter and downloaded a stand-up comedy show from Netflix.  I chopped and laughed, cut and laughed (thankfully, not any of my fingers) and I generally had a good time.

What less-than-fun tasks do you have in your life that basking could transform? For example, do you love music?  When you have to do something you dislike could you put some music on to make the task more pleasurable? (if you REALLY want to have fun, dance to the music!)

If you enjoy working on a team, are there things in your life that you could enlist a team to help with? Be creative. Look to see where it is that you naturally bask and see if you can bring more of that into other areas of your life.

My friend Sara always hated to exercise but loves the outdoors. She read about an athlete in her hometown who lost the use of his legs and transferred his sport to wheelchair racing. She decided right then and there that she would never take her legs for granted again. She started hiking every day. Not only did she naturally bask in being outdoors, she also began to bask in the feeling of using her legs.  She loved the feeling of the muscles working so well together. She loved the slight burn when she went up and down hills. And she certainly loved the sights and smells of the various places she hiked. Today she loves to exercise.

You needn’t do anything so ambitious. Basking is reward in itself. The more you bask, the better your life will be. You don’t have to wait and hope to come back in your next life as a cat or a dog (a desire I hear from many people). Start to bask and you’ll be living “a dog’s life”.

Basking each and every day will do more to attract what you want in your life than 16 hours of hard work that you begrudge. Like attracts like–that’s the most important thing to remember.

I’d love to hear how YOU bask. Write and let me know!

This is the ninth installment in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

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If you were crazy enough to allow it, I could teach you how to put yourself into a state of depression.

All you would need to do is slump your shoulders, collapse your core so it’s mushy, cast your eyes down, frown and breathe very shallow.  Within minutes, I guarantee you would feel down.  If you do it for a long enough period of time, you will be depressed.

On the flip side, if you are already feeling down, you can quickly pull out of it by doing the opposite:  sit or stand up straight, pull your stomach muscles tight, look out at the world, smile broadly and breathe deeply.  Within minutes your mood will lift.  Imagine how great you’d feel if you did that for a long period of time.

Here are some other physical “tricks” that will quickly elevate your mood:

•  Sing. When you sing, your brain gets the message you are in a good mood.
• Laugh.  This is a quick way to go from feeling stressed to feeling blessed.
•  Extend the hand of friendship. Doing for others is guaranteed to elevate your mood.
•  Dance.  You can’t dance without music and when your brain hears music with a dance beat, it makes you—well, want to dance!
•  Hang out with happy children. Kids have their priorities straight—it’s all about what makes them happy.

The Law of Attraction says that you get more of what you focus on. When you position your body to “act as if” you immediately shift your brain’s focus. Ask yourself how you want to feel, adjust your body accordingly and watch how quickly you feel the way you want.

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