This is fourth in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

In my last posting I talked about rituals as keys to Passionate Self Care. I mostly focused on big rituals like developing your action plan for the day or week. I made the observation that in a world where change is constant, rituals are a way for us to feel as if we are in control.

 Since then, I’ve been thinking about how incredibly busy we are. Some of these big rituals are wonderful in theory but daunting in terms of fitting them into an already jam-packed life. So how can we enjoy the benefits of rituals without feeling as if each is just one more thing to do?

Let’s talk about small rituals.  These are the ones we can incorporate into what we already do, turning ordinary events into moments of pure bliss.  Here are a few examples:

 Your morning beverage. 

Ever since age nine when my British Aunt Jeanne taught me how to brew and pour tea, I have loved my first cup each morning.  She served me a very watered-down version of what she herself was drinking but today I brew for the maximum impact.  This morning it occurred to me that I’m not taking full advantage of this wonderful daily occurrence.  Instead of the usual—taking a slug of tea while hurriedly preparing my breakfast, I stopped, stood still, closed my eyes and fully savored that first sip of tea. It was so heavenly I did the same for sips two and three.  What an easy way to practice passionate self-care.

Showers or baths. I have no idea who invented these two marvels but, in my opinion, there should be a statue erected in his/her honor in every town square in the world.  Who doesn’t love this indulgence?  You spend the same amount of time whether you unconsciously bathe or consciously enjoy every second.  Think about the temperature of the water on your skin, the way the soap feels and smells, and the pure luxury.   Another simple way to practice passionate self-care.

Getting into bed.  When we were children, it seemed like a punishment.  Have you noticed how much you look forward to it now that you’re an adult? And yet, do we truly bask in the feeling of getting into bed?  Another everyday occurrence that, when practiced consciously can bring great pleasure and a feeling of being very well taken care of.  How about stretching when you get under the covers?  Heave a great big sigh of pleasure. Moan if that feels good but however you do it, take the time to bask in the sweet feeling of laying your head on your pillow and drifting off to sleep.

What do these things have in common?  Being awake to each gift that comes your way.  There are so many lovely things in our lives and yet we become pretty blasé’ about most of them.  What if passionate self-care were as simple as noticing each simple pleasure?

Maybe it is.

Write and let me know what your simple pleasures are. I’d love to read about them!

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This is third in my series on Passionate Self Care.  Go to http://silverspeaks.com/blogs/ for related articles.

Rituals are keys to Passionate Self Care. Let me give you an example, I feel wonderful when I take the time to perform the ritual of developing my action plan. I call it a ritual because it has a set pattern of components: (1) reviewing my in box, my list of action items and my emails; (2) deciding which I need or want to tackle today; (3) writing my plan; and (4) deciding which to do first.

After years of trying to find the right “formula” for this ritual, I stumbled on a relatively inexpensive online test for the Kolbe  “A” Index (www.Kolbe.com).  The Kolbe analyzes your natural work style. After reviewing my results, I came to understand that if I develop my plan at the beginning of the work day, I get bogged down in details and it kills my enthusiasm.  Instead, I develop my plan the night before so I can dive into action the moment I start work. It’s amazing what a difference one adjustment to a ritual can make.

How many grouchy or distracted people have you heard say, “I’ll be okay after my first cup of coffee”? Admittedly, the caffeine helps but the ritual of coffee is every bit as much of an energy boost. It’s usually the skipping of the ritual that has thrown them off, not the lack of caffeine.

There are rituals we depend on and rituals we’d like to develop. To exercise Passionate Self Care in your life look for rituals you want to start incorporating until they become routine. Some of the best places to look for opportunities for ritual development are in the areas around which you feel guilty. A few of mine are:

Can you see the opportunities for rituals?

Rituals give life a certain continuity, which most of us crave. They make us feel more grounded. That’s why you see professional athletes who perform the same ritual every time they begin the game. Maybe it’s superstition, or maybe they know it works.

Because the Law of Attraction says, “You get more of what you focus on,” a critically important component of Passionate Self Care is focus.  If you want to train yourself to recognize where your focus is, start by listening to conversations around you. What is the focus of each? Now look at the people holding those conversations. Are they a match to what they’re focused on?

Never is this so clear as when you listen to the elderly. Those who are having lengthy conversations about their aches and pains and pills and surgeries are the ones who are in the worst shape.

The ones who are talking about their gardens, pets, hobbies or grandchildren are vibrant and healthy.  They may have aches and pains but they don’t dwell on them. Because of that, their aches and pains are manageable.

Sullen teens are obsessed with how unfair life is and how ridiculous adults and their rules are. Well-adjusted teens are focused on sports, music, school, or sharing cool new trends with each other.

What are you and your friends focused on? Start listening to your words – those that come out of your mouth or those you type into email messages and texts. Will the recipient of your words be happy to hear from you or inwardly groan?

We all agree that we don’t like to be around negative people but many of us who express that sentiment ARE the negative ones people don’t like to be around. And we don’t even know it. How can that be? How is it that we can be primarily focused on the negative and unaware of it? It’s because it’s become a socially accepted habit.

The news media consistently focuses on the worst events. When we broadcast our own personal news, we seem somehow embarrassed to share what’s going well in our lives. Doctors are trained to look for what’s wrong versus ways for us to stay healthy. Managers, until recently, have been trained to focus on employees’ weaknesses instead of their strengths.

There’s a new trend in management I would like you to steal for your Passionate Self Care. It’s called Appreciative Inquiry. An example of how it’s being applied will help clarify what it is:

The traditional style of conducting an employee’s performance review consists of 10-15 minutes focus on what an employee does well (employees refer to this as “buttering us up for the kill”), with the balance of the meeting focused on everything the employee needs to improve. In other words, the manager mainly focuses on what’s NOT working versus what IS.

A manager who practices Appreciative Inquiry would flip the time. She would spend 10-15 minutes focused on what an employee needs to improve and the rest of the meeting on everything the employee does well and how to leverage those skills. This manager focuses on what IS working instead of what’s NOT.

When I talk about this in my workshops, people get very excited, “Yes, that’s what my supervisor needs to do.” They stop in their tracks when I tell them it works both ways. “What do you mean?” they ask.

If you want your supervisor to focus on what you’re doing well, you must also focus on what you are doing well. You can’t expect to attract a supervisor (or a mate, friend, or child for that matter) who focuses on your good qualities if you are continually focused on your failings. Remember, you get what you focus on. That includes getting people in your life who agree with your self-assessment.

Appreciative Inquiry is the daily practice of looking for what you like about a person, place or thing (and that includes you). As you begin to focus on what you appreciate, you’ll begin to attract more of that into your life.

Appreciation is a feeling that can only attract good things to you. As you begin this practice of appreciating your friends, your community, your house, your children, your health, your family, and on and on and on, you will begin to feel more energetic and more vibrant. The Law of Attraction says it can be no other way.

I can’t think of anything more important to Passionate Self Care than using Appreciative Inquiry in all that you do. Try it. You’ll see.

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Sure, we devote time to self-care but it is generally based on negative rewards instead of the positive actions that make up passionate self-care. In other words, instead of taking an exhilarating walk after dinner, we settle down to watch Wheel of Fortune, usually with some sort of high calorie drink or snack in hand.

What brings this to mind are the myriad news reports on the high cost of health care and the ensuing crisis for aging Baby Boomers. As I listen to this conversation with interest, I’ve realized that what I haven’t been hearing is much of anything about patient responsibility.  Where does self-care fit into all this?

If you bought a house and did nothing to keep it up over a 5-year period, would you expect your insurance company to pay for repairs? They would deny such a claim saying it was neglect, not damage from an outside force such as fire or wind. Yet, we bring our sad, neglected bodies to our doctors or our sad, neglected psyches to psychologists and psychiatrists and expect them to give us a magic pill.

We want pills or surgery to fix what we systematically destroy through complacency.

Passionate self-care starts with the premise that you are at least as worthy of daily care as your house, your car, your children, your boss, or your clients.

Just as you would look at a messy house and say, “It’s time to clean this up,” it’s equally important to pay attention to an ache in your body and say, “It’s time to start taking care of this.” This requires a change in behavior and change requires conscious effort.

I’ve earned the right to talk about this because I spent the first part of my life going to doctors and therapists trying to get them to “fix” me. They helped, that is a fact, but I took no responsibility for having gotten that way in the first place. I sat in the dentist’s chair for example acting bewildered when told I had a cavity. The fact that I only brushed my teeth once a day and poorly at that seemed beside the point. Isn’t fluoride in the water supposed to prevent cavities? I chose to be a victim.

One of the more important things I’ve learned in my conscious effort to move from victim to victor is that, no matter what happens to me, I had a part in it and it’s important to take responsibility for whatever it was.  Now, if I were in an earthquake, do I have a part in that? The surprising answer is “Yes” – I’m responsible for how I respond. I can be a victim or a victor and that’s the choice we each have in every situation.

Where are you currently behaving as a victim and how can you transform into a victor?  Taking ownership for your life is very freeing and it’s an important component of self-care.

I don’t know about you but I’d really rather NOT be one of those old folks who goes to the doctor with muscles atrophied from lack of use saying, “I can’t understand why I’m so TIRED all the time. Can you give me something?”

We all have a small, active child inside of us who JUST WANTS US TO MOVE!!!! As you get more physically active, you will almost hear the child inside of you yelling, “Whoopee! We’re finally moving!!!” I’ve come to realize that most of my aches and pains, physical and mental, were sent by that impatient child, trying to get my attention!

Take five minutes, right now, and make a list of all the “upkeep” sorts of things you’ve done over the past month for: your car, your home, your clothing, your pets, your children, or other people. Now think what life would be like if you put yourself at the top of the list.

“That’s so selfish!” you might cry. And I say, “Yes, it is, and that is a good thing.” I don’t know when the concept of putting ourselves first got to be so negative. I suspect it was from people who wanted us to put them first so they taught us that self-care is bad.

When we practice passionate self-care, we accomplish several things:

1. We take back control of our own well-being
2. We set an example for others
3. We begin to enjoy our own lives instead of living vicariously through TV or other entertainment

The most important thing that happens when we practice passionate self-care is that we are happier and proud of ourselves. And the Law of Attraction says, “You attract what you are.” The happier you are and the more empowered you feel, the more situations that match those feelings come to you. And that is the ultimate in Passionate Self-Care.

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If you are envisioning this with dread because one or more relatives or friends ruin it for you every year, then read on. There are some things you can do about it.

I am no stranger to annoying relatives. I have some and I have been one and probably still am. My siblings could regale you with tales of Thanksgivings past when I tried to control everything including seating arrangements lighting, timing and injecting a “no TV during dinner rule.” Can you say “controlling?”  It wasn’t even my house!

My family of origin-if this photo could talk!

Of course the flip side of that was how annoying they were when they resisted my brilliant suggestions.  Some of them teased, others got mean and the worst were those who merely dismissed me.  They ruined the holiday for me!

Ah, excuse me.  Who ruined it?  Mirror, mirror on the wall…

What follows are a few things I’ve learned from both sides of this equation:

You get what you expect. If you are already anticipating the day with a sinking heart and an ache in the pit of your stomach, you’re in trouble.  Sit down today and rewrite the script.  I mean that literally.  Sit down with pen and paper and write a story in third person with you as the hero/heroine. In your story everything turns out for the best. Example, “Even though she saw her brother roll his eyes when she asked if they could each say something they were thankful for, it didn’t bother her.  She knew she couldn’t control what he thought.

Instead of anticipating problems, why not anticipate a day where the usual triggers don’t bother you at all?  You’ll be amazed at how well this works.

Memorize the serenity prayer. Even if you’re not spiritual or religious, this works as an affirmation:  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like people), the courage to change the things I can (like not letting others get to you), and the wisdom to know the difference.

Pick your battles. If Uncle Joe is drunk and he always gets insulting when he’s drunk, is that the time to give him a lesson in etiquette?  Probably not.  Instead of being hurt or angry, why not see him as someone who is (a) very troubled and (b) incapable of hurting you without your permission.

Don’t sucker punch.  Families are often too blunt with each other. If you need to tell a family member something that might sting, use this method:  “There’s something I need to say to you and it might upset you. That’s not my intention.” This method is so effective! Instead of hitting your sister with something she wasn’t expecting, you give her a warning. This allows her a bit of time to steel herself. I can promise you that whatever she conjures up in her head will be infinitely worse than what you finally say.

Cynical/negative people really care. My father was pretty grouchy. He didn’t think the glass was half full or half empty—he wanted to know what was in it and who put it there?  (Did I mention he was also suspicious?) After decades of observation (mine—he wasn’t committed) I realized that Dad was passionately negative because he really cared about the issues he complained about. He also felt powerless. Roz and Ben Zander wrote about this in The Art of Possibility, “A cynic is a passionate person who does not want to be disappointed again.”

SO, if you have a relative that gets all worked up this year, instead of trying to calm him down or just ignoring him (which as you know will only inspire him to repeat his points only more loudly), try saying, “You really care about this issue, don’t you?”  It may not stop him forever but he’ll be so shocked that you get it that it may stop him for a breath or two. If nothing else, you’ll score points.

Respond, versus react. What is ultimately true is that the only person you are able to control, Thanksgiving or not, is you.  So you can choose to react (which puts the person who pushed your button in charge of your emotions) or you can respond (which puts you firmly in charge).

I once heard a psychologist explain it best.  When you react, the small child inside you is controlling you. When you respond, your adult is at the helm.  Even if you’re the only “adult” present on Thursday isn’t that preferable?  Think how peacefully you’ll be able to sleep that night! (Added bonus:  no apologies to make!)

John McEnroe's Inner Child Reacting

Please know that one of the things I am very grateful for this Thanksgiving is the privilege it is to be able to “talk” with you via this blog.  I love it when you talk back so please feel free to write with kudos, criticisms or topic suggestions.

Have a happy!

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Too much to learn?

Not enough time?

Join the club!

Lately, I have been keenly aware that the list of things that could, should or “it would be nice” to get done is expanding quicker than the blob grew in that horror movie of old. I realize that it’s time to get back to basics.  It’s time to remember and then utilize what has worked in the past.  And that always brings me back to the bottom-line principle called The Law of Attraction that tells us we get more of what we focus on.

Like many teachers, I’ve neglected to apply what I teach to my own life.  How embarrassing.

So when you re-read the first two paragraphs, what does it tell you about where my focus has been?  Exactly!  I’ve focused on the problem and, here’s a shock, it’s getting worse!  Where have you misused focus to add steroids to some of your own problems?

It’s such a habit this looking at the problem. And it is impossible to break a habit because, as you attempt to, where is your focus?  What works well instead is to replace the habit that’s not serving you well with a new one that will.

So what is the fastest way out of overwhelm?

The answer is to develop the habit of celebrating what we’ve accomplished, even if we don’t think it’s nearly enough.  As we celebrate the accomplishments of each day—even the seemingly trivial ones—the more accomplishments we attract.  My negative focus threw me down the rabbit hole of “not enough.” As I begin to celebrate my accomplishments (and the first one is finishing and sending this blog), instead of spiraling downward, I begin to spiral upward and it’s a much more fun ride!

So I challenge you to take two minutes and write a list of everything you’ve accomplished today so far.  Then stand up and do whatever your version is of “the touchdown dance.”

For the rest of the day, when you’ve accomplished something more, do something to celebrate even if it’s to say, “Yes!” and pump your arm for emphasis.  Watch what a different day you’ll have.

Tell me how it goes. I’d love your feedback.

I’m off to do my touchdown dance!

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I’ve witnessed similar cries of protest from my partner Bill whenever Yahoo changes their email program. If I hear a holler of frustration coming out of the office, I know it has something to do with the computer and, more specifically, changes made without his being consulted.

To all of you I say, with love and respect, “Embrace change. It is your friend.” If change makes you want to chew the furniture, then the Internet is probably not a good place for you to be hanging out.

I can think of no better arena to practice your skill at Dancing With Change than your computer, be it a desktop, a laptop, a notebook or a smartphone.  I say that because if you own them, you are likely highly motivated to use these tools and they are (and always will be) evolving quickly and without advance notice.

Those changes made by faceless programmers somewhere out in cyberspace are not designed to drive you crazy. They’re actually intended to improve things for you. Of course, we’ve all heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions but truly, Oliver Stone and Michael Moore notwithstanding, there are no geeks conspiring against you. The geeks with bad intentions could care less about how you socially network; they’re too busy hacking your bank records.

Here is why technical changes frustrate us so much.  Think about it: you already knew how to use the program on your computer.  It took awhile but you finally mastered it. Now someone you’ve never met and will never see has decided to “improve” things and overnight the program you knew how to use looks or acts completely different.  What you are faced with is a learning curve. And learning curves make us nervous.  We feel vulnerable, an emotion no one embraces.

When you’re hit with a change, the very first question to ask is, “Do I have any control over this?”  If the answer is no, then the next question is, “What do I need to do to adjust?”  (Bill’s answer to that is, “Use my computer as a Frisbee.”)

The good news is that medical science tells us that learning keeps our brains agile. According to Dr. Mehmet Oz: “Education is key to slowing brain aging. Simply put, the more you know, the more you stretch your brain’s capacity for learning.”

So the next time a program change happens that triggers a negative reaction from you, instead of beating up the developers, post a “thank you” from your future self. After all, the 80-year-old you will, because of them, have an extremely agile brain from continually trying to figure out how to “make this #!?*# thing work!”

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My mind was closed to this possibility for decades.  What a waste.

What have you closed your mind to saying (without actually trying it,) “I don’t like to do that”?

I remember meeting people who lived for the weekend when they could be outdoors and their excitement mystified me. When people talked about camping I always trotted out that stale joke, “My idea of camping is Motel 6.”

For over twelve years, my MasterMind group has met annually at various wonderful locations. Many members are outdoor enthusiasts. I would joke, “Wake me up after sunrise yoga in the meadow. I’d rather sleep.”

What’s mystifying is that I had always been adventurous in other aspects of my life.  I’m an entrepreneur—not for the faint of heart. I adopted two at-risk teenage foster daughters when I was single. I performed stand-up comedy at my ten year High School reunion for heaven sakes! But risk looking stupid in a kayak? Never!

And that’s the key. Trying to do something you’re not sure you’ll be good at requires the willingness to be vulnerable and that’s what stopped me.  Those other activities I had tackled were things I was reasonably sure I could do well. But I wasn’t sure I could do physical activities without making a fool of myself. So I made up the story that I didn’t enjoy them as a way to protect myself.

Where have you made up a story to prevent yourself from trying something you might not be good at?

I fell for someone who enjoys, boogie boarding, windsurfing, hiking and skiing (to name just a few). When he asked me (for example), “Do you like to sail?” I had to admit, “I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”  The magic opening came when I added, “But I’d like to.” And I did and I love it.

What could you open your mind to that might turn out to be something you really enjoy?

Step 3 of learning to Dance with Change is:  Choose—will you dance or sit this one out? There is nothing wrong with choosing to sit it out unless you’ve closed your mind prior to giving it your full consideration.I come from a non-active family. We weren’t a family who camped or went on hikes. My dad was too busy working to make ends meet and I followed his example for many years, using my leisure time to work more.

How have you become like one or both of your parents without consciously intending to? What were they closed off to that you are as well?

As I look for the clues I missed along the way, I realized I’d forgotten how much I loved water-skiing when I was in my teens. Then I remembered the thrill I got when I was able to make the rowboat my dad had built glide across the lake.

What did you love as a child that has slipped away?

For years I’ve loved to bask in the beauty of Nature, feeling the breeze and the warmth of the sun on my face. How is it that I’d never connected that to what people enjoy about outdoor activities? I didn’t make the connection because I had closed my mind.  By saying, “I don’t like to do those things,” the evidence that I might like them couldn’t penetrate my otherwise intelligent mind. There are none so blind as those who will not see.

The next time someone asks you to do something you think you wouldn’t like ask yourself, “Have I ever actually tried it?”  If the answer is no, then I suggest you give it a go.  What’s the worst that could happen?  Perhaps you’ll confirm that you don’t like it. On the other hand, you may be delightfully surprised as you discover a whole new aspect of the world.

Last week a group of us went kayaking down a river in Hawaii. In order to get there, we had to go through the ocean and some surf. The idea of being in a kayak when a wave hit used to terrify me. Then I tried it, got dumped and discovered that the worst that happened is that I got wet and had to swim to retrieve the kayak.  As we paddled down the beautiful and serene river, I was so happy I had learned those magical words, “I’d like to try.”

Are there things Bill does that I don’t? Absolutely. He’s an amazing downhill skier and I have opted for the safety of snowshoeing. He windsurfs and I’m not willing to put in the time it would take to do it well. But last week we went paddle boarding and lo and behold! I was able to stay on my board much longer than he. That would not have been possible if I hadn’t opened my closed mind (did I mention it took some WD-40 and a crowbar?)

There are amazing things out there just for the asking.  Don’t be like me and wait for someone else to come along and open your mind. Give yourself the gift!  Back away from the TV or your computer and take a look around.  When you open your mind, all sorts of wonderful changes are available for you to choose from. Some you will dance with and others you won’t but isn’t it nice to have so many more choices than you’d previously known?

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I want to share with you a response from Missouri reader Joy Gilzow that touched my heart at a very deep level:

Instead of worrying, we pray and trust God…and plan celebrations. I was 20 weeks into my pregnancy and learned that my son was going to be born with half a heart. After his birth there would be a series of risky surgeries, 3 in all, at different stages of his young life. Of course we were devastated. At that moment I didn’t know, do we even plan a nursery? I cried all the way home and threw myself down on the bed and sobbed out to God. My son started kicking the stuffing out of me, as if to say, “I’m here! Don’t count me out!” I picked myself up and dried my tears. The next day I sent out a blue-background email, announcing that we were having a boy. It also explained his condition, asking people to please pray and telling them how blessed we were to have them in our lives. I spent the rest of that day shopping for my baby boy.

That was over three years ago.

Tomorrow night, in honor of having all three surgeries finally behind us, we are celebrating the milestone by going to an “Imagination Movers” concert. We’re getting to meet them backstage before the show. We haven’t told Blaze, who turned 3 on the 17^th of July, that he gets to meet them; we’re going to let that part be a surprise.

Blaze on Daddy’s Shoulders-Imagination Movers Concert

Blaze is a happy, affectionate, mischievous little boy. He’s on the small side for his age, but he’s mighty, and expected to have a full, healthy life. He’s been growing like a weed since his final open-heart surgery last month.  He gets to start daycare/preschool the end of August. No one looking at him realizes anything is “wrong.”

It hasn’t been easy, but it was totally worth it. Worrying would have defeated us. We celebrate and offer thanks. God is so good and answered the prayers that were raised up to Him. I am so grateful.

My favorite part of Joy’s story is when the yet-to-be-born Blaze started “kicking the stuffing” out of her.  It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

The best tip from Joy is “plan celebrations;” there are few better ways to Change Your Focus; Change Your Life.  When you celebrate, you are putting your full attention on what you want. The more you celebrate, the more the things you want come your way.  Blaze was born into celebration and look at all he’s accomplished in his short life?  (How many three year-olds do YOU know that got to see the Imagination Movers, let alone meet them backstage?  That, my friends, is the power of focus.)

All the happiness research coming out of such esteemed institutions as Harvard and University of Pennsylvania point to the fact that what actually makes us happy is significantly different than what we think.  Additionally, what we think will destroy us rarely does.  Initially, Joy was devastated.  That word says everything. And yet, she was able to turn that initial reaction into a response:  my boy is coming and I’m getting ready for him.

At the top of researchers’ lists of what makes us happy is “service to others” and Joy’s family has been of service to little Blaze since before he was born.  All good parents are, of course, but there is a much keener awareness when a child is born with challenges.  The family becomes primarily focused on a singular goal – the health of their child—and the ordinary problems that bug the rest of us fade into the background for them.

So the next time you are wasting time worrying about what might happen or is going to happen or DID happen, I want you to remember that big smile on Blaze’s face and ask yourself, “When I get to the other side of this, how will I celebrate?”

Many thanks to Joy for sharing this wonderful story. Please give Blaze a high-five from all of us.  The Imagination Movers were lucky they got to meet him.

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The death of a loved one is undoubtedly the worst change we are asked to endure. Death is a constant reminder that life is inherently unfair.

I am remembering Adele more than usual because on Saturday the Rockland High School class of ’71 gathered for our 40^th reunion.  I wasn’t there but the buzz about it on FaceBook has sent me down memory lane. Anyone’s High School years are generally remembered with mixed feelings. This is a time of angst when one struggles with self-image, socialization, sex, love, “fitting in,” separating from parents and testing the limits, ungracefully.

The desire to get out into the world is combined with the fear of letting go.  Some leave and never look back. Others will consider High School the best years of their lives. Not so with us. Our senior year was a terrible year of mourning for the 200+ members of my class and the entire school. Everyone from the principal to the janitor grieved. Each day, as we walked the hallways to change classes, we passed her memorial.  In bold letters it read – Class of 1971-In Memory of Adele.

We were kids who had grown up with death hanging over our heads starting with “duck and cover” rehearsals in elementary school.We all knew someone who had a bomb shelter for the inevitable nuclear attack. Our Dads were WWII vets who came back with unidentified Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mine would drink too many beers on a Friday night and cry at the kitchen table, shaking his head saying, “You can’t imagine what it was like.”

We continually brushed up against death, watching the Vietnam War waged on television. Some had brothers or cousins who went and never came back. We were the ones who held our breaths hoping it would be over before any of our friends were drafted.

In May of 1970, the year before we graduated, we watched with horror the TV coverage of the massacre at Kent State when the Ohio State Guard opened fire on unarmed college students who were protesting the invasion of Cambodia.  When the smoke cleared, four young people were dead and nine others wounded.

Two months later, Adele, so deeply impacted by that event, would be gone herself.

Wherever we looked, past, present or future, what we saw was death. When Adele’s passing brought it into our laps it was like the lid blew off what we had been holding back since first grade.  Mourning her gave us permission to mourn our lost childhoods, our innocence and what had been promised to us by our country’s founders: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We were convinced by then that it was all a lie and we graduated hard and cynical, atrophied in grief.

Her death shaped us as none of those other events had. Instead of mourning the fact that we might lose touch after graduation, most of us couldn’t get away fast enough.  It was too painful to hang around; we wanted to distance ourselves. Friends I’d known since first grade became shadowy memories as I drank to forget and then drank to remember and finally just drank.

These 40 years later those painful memories actually give me hope. They are proof-positive that even terrible changes can be endured and that ultimately, one can recover enough to have a beautiful life.

This morning, as I gazed at the sun rising over the beautiful waters of Hawaii I realized that instead of staying mad that “life goes on,” today I am grateful that it did.  And I’m so happy that I got to know and love Adele.  Instead of remembering the pain, what I focus on now is a precious memory that was the essence of our friendship:

It is an August day of our sophomore year.  Summer is coming to an end.  The weather is perfect and the ocean is warm as bath water. The “gang” is spending the day on White Horse Beach, laughing, playing, flirting and loving each other with the pure enthusiasm of youth.

Our parents are due to pick us up in an hour and Adele and I are walking down the beach, huddled under the same towel and talking about profoundly important matters.  I feel a surge of pure joy in the moment and realize just how much I love her.

Do I still miss her? Yes. But every once in a while I turn on the radio and hear Bridge over Troubled Waters (“our” song), and I know she orchestrated the timing to remind me that I can dance with her whenever I want. There is, however, a catch:  I can only feel her presence in moments of happiness. I think it’s because she’s in such a happy place now that she’s no longer willing to be around sadness, even for me.

One day I will join her.  And that thought makes me happy.

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