My youngest daughter Promise was given the opportunity to spend six months in Costa Rica working part-time at my friend Susan’s Yoga Retreat and exploring the country.

It has been a difficult gift for her to accept. It’s not because she is ungrateful, far from it. It is because like many of us, Promise is a Giver who finds it extremely difficult to receive.

• Do you live in the land of quid pro quo?
• Do you think that, if someone does something nice for you, you are obligated to do something in return?
• Have you ever considered that simply allowing another to do for you is payment enough?

Every Giver I know LOVES to help others. S/he realized a long time ago how good it feels. And yet, too many of us rob others of these same good feelings.

Vulnerability is the culprit. When something truly bad happens to you, especially in childhood, you associate the feeling of vulnerability with real danger. That is true for Promise, as it is for my other daughter Shade and it is something I have been working to overcome for many years. To protect ourselves from danger, we avoid ever being in the position of “owing” another. Within this bubble of fear-based relationships, we become adept at doing for others and assiduously avoid being in a position to receive.

Danger is real. Fear is a choice.

Being a Giver only would be fine except we often become resentful because we are doing all the giving. We don’t recognize that we set it up that way.

The Law of Attraction dictates that you get more of what you focus on. If you are continually focused on giving, you will attract more opportunities to give. Not bad but lopsided.

To begin putting yourself in “receive” mode, it is important to focus on the gifts you receive every day. You will find they are numerous and you did not have to do a thing to “earn” them: the sun coming up, a body that can get you where you want to go and smiles on people’s faces, to name just a few examples.

I cannot carve my daughters’ paths for them, much as I think I would like to. I recognized some time ago that the path I would carve is unlikely to be one that either of them would want.  What I can do is tell my own stories and let them take away whatever it is they hear in my experiences.

My own story about receiving has to do with how I came to attract Bill into my life.  For years I have worked at spiritual growth and “letting go.” I wanted to manage and control everything and operated under the illusion that it was actually possible. I yearned to be successful on all levels but could not seem to get there.

My path has not been an easy one. Some friends who had become incredibly successful by setting goals and steadfastly driving toward them became frustrated when I resisted their proven methodologies. They were trying to be helpful but driving toward something has never been my way.

I was internally frustrated, often berating myself for not being able to stick to one thing at a time certain that it was this inability that was holding me back.

And then one day I came to recognize that what was holding me back from all the things I’d ever wanted was my inability to receive. I had a proven track record as a Giver but I had been unwilling to let others give to me even though I desperately wanted them to. I immediately set a goal that I have (mostly) been able to stick to ever since:  I would allow people to do for me and give to me.

Several months after this revelation, I posted my profile on several Internet dating sites.  What I said I wanted was “a man with whom I would have a contest:  who could spoil the other the most.” And that’s precisely what I attracted in Bill.

As I write this, I realize there is still more “letting go” for me.  As you know if you’ve been following my blog, Bill has been very ill with cancer. Only yesterday, our friends here in Hawaii called to say they would come over and put our trash cans on the curb for pickup in the morning. I fought them. “Don’t be silly,” I said, “I can do that.” But you know what? I finally relented (okay, they twisted my arm until I cried, “Uncle!). It felt good. These are friends who have felt helpless to do anything for us when we are on the mainland, even though they really want to. This was one of many things they have done for us while we are here. And I know it makes them feel good because they are both Givers.

What needs to shift inside for you to become a Receiver?

If you have already accomplished it, how did it happen?

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There is a saying in comedy:  pain + time = comedy. Just this morning I remembered a story a friend told me. When he and his wife separated many years ago, his 20-something daughter called him and said, “I will never speak to you again as long as I live.”  Five minutes later she called back and said, “I just want to make sure you’re not going to kill yourself or something.”  Not funny at the time, not at all. But now that he is back in her good graces, it is a touching and funny memory.

I am on a plane headed to Hawaii, listening to a music channel they provide. A song from my teenage years played, Bob Dylan’s Like a Rolling Stone.

Oh, what memories it evoked. It was the summer before 10th grade and I was at a dance with my friends. Joe Sances asked me to slow dance to the Dylan song. Dancing is probably a stretch. Mostly we swayed to the music with our arms draped around each other. We were so close I could smell the soap he had washed with. As I hugged his back I felt his sweat under my palms and prayed he didn’t feel mine. I could feel his breath as we surreptitiously repositioned our cheeks against each other’s, edging closer to each other’s lips.

Thankfully, it was a public dance so there were no nuns to separate us because I promise you they would have put an end to this before Dylan got to the first “How does it feel?” Joe and I pressed against each other tighter as each stanza played. And, because there is a God, the song lasted six whole minutes! Oh, joy. That night Joe walked me home and kissed me. I could hear the angels sing.

It was a short-lived romance with much pain when we broke up. I cried inconsolably for a week. For years I only remembered the pain. But today, listening to Dylan while I relived those six minutes of magic, I realized that what I have left is the sweet memory of my first sexual stirrings and the music that cemented it into my mind.

Pain + Time = Bittersweet Memories.

The Law of Attraction say you get more of what you focus on. For more than two decades, whenever I heard Like a Rolling Stone, it triggered within me feelings of pain. Thankfully, enough time has passed for me to both remember and focus on the wonderful awakening this classic song was for me. The pain is now a memory without feeling, like something I once read in a book.

Much of our past can be rewritten. All it takes is time and re-focus.

What memory do you have that was once a source of pain and is now your own bittersweet memory or something you laugh about?

What painful experience are you holding onto that could be transformed?

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I am very much of the mindset that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.  When a setback happens, I try and remember that it may be the Universe’s way of saving me from a catastrophe down the road.

There was one day a few weeks back that provides some excellent clues about how this philosophy, which incorporates the principles of the Law of Attraction, works. Four amazing events transpired:

#1 We were packing up in the hotel, preparing to leave Skokie, IL to fly home. We finished earlier than necessary so I was inspired to put the suitcases in the rental car.  I’ve never done this before. Usually, we take the suitcases down when it’s time to leave for the airport.  It’s a good thing I did; the car battery was dead. In today’s cars, when the battery is dead, the doors won’t open with the remote. That’s how I discovered it. Initially, I was upset until I realized we had plenty of time to resolve the problem. By the time we had to leave for the airport to catch our plane, Roadside Assistance had shown up and given us a jumpstart.

We even had time to stop and pick up sandwiches to eat on the plane. (But I promise, Bill sat in the car while I got the sandwiches. There was no way we were turning that engine off!)

#2 We got to the airport and, because Bill is moving a bit slowly these days, we pre-boarded the plane. We got settled in and then noticed that boarding had stopped.

There were only about 30 passengers on board and no more were coming.  It turned out there was a problem with the engine and they were trying to find a different plane to put us on. Normally, I wouldn’t care. I travel a lot and these things happen but the idea of Bill having to sit at the airport for hours when he wasn’t feeling well was a very big concern.

Here’s what happened. We were on the new plane, right next door to the original gate within ten minutes!  That would be miraculous under normal circumstances but this was Chicago O’Hare. There had been storms the previous three days that had backed up air travel all over the country. They were still trying to catch up and the crew wasn’t sure there would be a plane available.

#3 We landed in San Francisco having been delayed only 30 minutes when another event happened.  We were met at the gate with a wheelchair for Bill. While in Chicago, I had inquired about motorized transportation at the other end (you know, those little buggies you see people riding on). The gate attendant said that all they could do was provide a wheelchair. I was convinced Bill wouldn’t get into one so I thanked her and walked away. Well, it turns out she thought we wanted one and there it was with a very cheerful attendant to push it!

#4 Bill got into the wheelchair, which is the fourth amazing event. Bill has spent a lifetime pushing his physical limitations. In the Navy, he was in the underwater training program that was a precursor to the Seals and was taught, “You have no idea what you are physically capable of.” He has lived that ever since.  But when he saw that wheelchair, he was grateful.  He had ended a round of chemo the previous day and was beyond tired. So he accepted what the Universe had conspired to provide.

When I say, “Things always work out,” it’s not that I think life will always be a bed of roses. I think the reason we are here is because we volunteered for a big game—life and all its obstacles.  Having a life that goes smoothly all the time would be boring. So we humans love to solve problems and overcome obstacles.  It’s just that, in the midst of doing so, we often forget how much we like it. Heck, we like solving problems so much, we take on the problems of others even when they don’t ask us to!!!

Please remember that you never know what’s coming down the road.

In 12-step programs they say, “Don’t quit before the miracle.”  I say, “Look for the small, amazing events and realize that being alive is a miracle.”

What do you say?

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It has not been a good week. Because his defenses are down from the chemo, Bill ended up in the hospital with a nasty infection that is highly contagious. I thought I caught it, too but it turned out I had old-fashioned stomach flu. At any rate, I couldn’t go to the hospital to be with him so I ended up moaning in my bed at the hotel.

In the midst of lying in bed feeling lousy, my thoughts were dark. I wondered why so many people have to suffer. I wondered about spirituality and how it fit into all of this. And I wondered why the hotel couldn’t use sheets with a higher thread count.

Now that I am feeling MUCH better, I realize yet again that it’s all about where you place your focus. Maybe spirituality is as simple as:

• Being grateful that, when I couldn’t take care of Bill because I was sick, providence intervened and put him in the hospital where someone else could; or
• Celebrating the incremental victories: no more nausea, then no more diarrhea, and finally, a return to health so I can get back to caring for him; or
• Thanking people like your sister-in-law Anne who went right to work researching the infection and coming up with solutions beyond the conventional medical ones.

There seems to be an underlying synchronicity to life that, once noticed, is pretty amazing. For example, I am glad I got sick because until I did, I could not fully empathize with how Bill feels. Maybe the term “fully empathize” is incorrect.  As poorly as I felt, I’m pretty certain he feels profoundly worse on most days.  I also think I was sorely in need of a break and the illness gave me permission to take one without feeling the need to push myself, knowing that Bill was safe in the hospital.

In an email to a dear friend, I bemoaned the fact that I had been neglecting my spiritual practice. She quickly fired back saying, “What?!?!? Your day-to-day life taking care of Bill is a spiritual practice, and a profound one.”

So maybe spirituality in its truest form lies in the service of others. Sure, it’s wonderful to meditate and feel a true connection with my Source Energy. I believe it to be one of the most delicious things in life. But nobody is stopping me from experiencing that same connection every time I prepare a meal for Bill, make sure he’s taking his vitamins and medicines and just going out for a ride together. Well, actually someone IS stopping me—I am.

Or…maybe spirituality doesn’t require one to do anything at all except notice what is beautiful about life in any given moment.

What do you think?

 
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There are moments in life that are worth savoring, no matter how seemingly insignificant. The ability to recognize them may very well be what happiness is all about.

There is a man in San Francisco who repairs shoes and the like. I always refer to him as a cobbler, a fact that never fails to amuse my friends. I’m from New England. When I was growing up, that’s what we called these tradesmen!

It is always an incredible pleasure to deal with my cobbler whose name I do not even know.  He has a sweet smile and his face lights up when he sees me. He always finds a solution to some of my weird requests (can you fix this belt?  It’s a cheap one but I love the buckle!) And he has a wry sense of humor that is evident in the set of his mouth.

There are other angels along the way: the waitress who is bee-bopping to the music playing in the restaurant, the grocery clerk who takes the time to really help me or the man sitting on the opposite aisle from the airplane right now who is speaking French (I don’t even care what he’s saying—what a lovely language! It is these types of interactions that make life, at times, incredibly sweet and I’m so grateful that I have the eyes and heart to recognize them.

What are some similar sweet moments in your life?

 
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Had a rough go of it one day last week.  Between packing and unpacking to go to the Chicago clinic, jet lag, Bill’s non-existent sleep schedule, and overall fatigue, we both had meltdowns.  We are getting treatment-weary, that is for sure. Bill is bearing the brunt of it but funnily enough he thinks I am!

The strange thing to contemplate post-meltdown is my internal dialogue in the midst of it: “I have the right,” and “Anyone would melt down under these circumstances.” Both are true. The one that truly fascinated me was: “I’ve earned this!” Fully played out that particular conversation would be,” I’ve earned the right to be in a bad mood and to feel horrible and to be mad at the world!”

Who in their right mind would even want any of that?  And to say I’ve earned it?

All of the internal dialogue I’ve catalogued here falls under the category of “justification.”  I was looking for justification for being in a bad mood—AS IF BEING IN A BAD MOOD WERE SOME KIND OF REWARD!

What?!?

I understand that everyone needs to blow off steam from time to time and I certainly don’t believe in ignoring one’s feelings.  But what I do believe (and what is sometimes difficult to remember and put into practice) is that feelings are a barometer of where you are versus where you want to be. At the most basic level, negative feelings tell us, “I want to be happy and I am definitely not.”  The next step would be to do something to reverse the spiral so you are moving toward feeling better, not worse.

Have I earned a bad mood? Of course not. What I’ve earned is a good mood and that is a gift only I can give myself. Fortunately, my tolerance for being in a bad mood has decreased over the years. Where once I was in a bad mood for 30+ years (i.e., clinical depression), I can now tolerate it for maybe a day. The day after my meltdown was a much better day and they’ve been getting better ever since.

Dialogue matters, whether it is internal or external. Whether you say, “I’ve earned the right to be in a really bad mood,” OR “I’m feeling great and I deserve it!” you will be right.

What have you earned?

 
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This video (link below) is just under 5 minutes and as inspiring as they come.  Here is a veteran with some major disabilities who had every acceptable reason to stay stuck where he was. But he didn’t, and he will inspire you to challenge your own limitations.

Thanks to my friend and amazing image consultant Janice Hurley-Trailor for bringing it to my attention.

Watch it here:

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There is no denying I am living in a stressful situation. That’s why I was so happy to receive this beautiful and timely reminder from blog reader Candace Staar:

A psychologist was teaching stress management. As she raised a glass of water, everyone in the audience expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”The answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water; think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed—incapable of doing anything.”


It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night.

Remember to put the glass down!

If, like me, your “glass” is one that’s difficult to put down because you are living with it 24/7, let me share the trick that works. It was passed down to me across centuries of wisdom and I invite you to pass it along to anyone who might need it:

I am grateful to have a glass. I am grateful to have water to put into the glass. I am grateful to have strong arms to hold it and very grateful for the ability to pass it to others to hold for me when I cannot.

Remember the Law of Attraction dictates that you attract more of what you focus on.  When you are grateful, the Universe delivers more to be grateful for.

When you can be grateful in the midst of great stress, then you are blessed indeed. Thank you to Candace, to that psychologist and to all those great Teachers who show us how to thrive in a stressful world.

Drink from the glass and it will replenish you.

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In the face of Bill’s illness, there is a good deal of reflection. He is looking back over his life wondering if he’s made a difference.  I’m looking over mine wondering if I always did the best I could.

If I could name one character flaw I sincerely wish I could be rid of, it’s that I am incredibly judgmental. There is no question that I’ve hurt people with my sharp tongue and unkind observations.

(Side note: my funny friend Rick always says, “I hate those judgmental jerks.”)

I know the origin. Growing up, my family used humor to try and disguise the judgments we were showering down on each other and others.  We were a funny group; still are today. Imagine my surprise when I entered the adult world and found that not everyone was amused.  At the age of 21, my roommate Judith asked, “Why are you torturing me like this?” I replied, “In my family, this is how we show love,” to which she responded, “Well, could you love me a little less, please?”

In the 70s, feminist “consciousness raising” groups were very popular, the theory being how could we combat something like chauvinism or racism if it was so masked that it was difficult to recognize? Maybe I could use one of those today. A group of men and women who care about me but who can point out that I’m being unkind or a bit severe in my judgments.

I know I’ve improved but with progress, with “consciousness” comes the realization of how much damage you’ve done along the way. Perhaps that’s why I like Angelou’s quote so much.

“We did the best we could, and when we knew better, we did better.”
– Maya Angelou

She is being so kind—something to work toward.

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Despite some pretty major life challenges at present, I am on the whole, a very happy woman.  When I realized this, just the other day, it rather caught me by surprise.

Like many of you, I was raised in a culture in which I learned to be dissatisfied with what I have and to always strive for more. Wanting more and striving for it is not a problem. That creates growth.  What COULD BE a problem is what drives it. If dissatisfaction drives your ambition, then it truly doesn’t matter how much more you get or what you achieve; you’ll never be happy.

Remember, you get more of what you focus on. Dissatisfaction breeds more of the same.

Happiness does not depend on circumstances.

Happiness is a choice.  It is a way of looking at life and seeing beyond the immediate to the overall sweetness.  Yes, I have a partner with terminal cancer. I focus on the first part of that sentence, not the latter.

Yes, my children are often in emotional pain and that makes my heart hurt.  I focus on the fact that they are both working on it and making progress.  At their age I was also in emotional pain. We grow from it. With luck, they’ll arrive at the same place I am today—happy in spite of circumstances.

Dissatisfaction no longer drives me. I want to get better but not because I think there’s anything wrong. I remember a teacher long ago asking, “How good can you stand it?” That’s what drives me today.

So I am asking—how good can YOU stand it?

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